The past three weeks have been a real fucking challenge. It takes me a lot of courage to admit that I am struggling.
I have been battling a few things for a long time. Feeling tired all the time AND feeling physical anxiety/restlessness. I love walking and hiking and just can’t seem to find the energy to do it.
I have been telling my psychiatrist about the physical anxiety feeling in my body and she put two and two together and told me I have all of the symptoms of akathisia. Akathisia is a well known side effect of the antipsychotic medicine (Vraylar) I take for bipolar disorder. Well known to the experts, but not to me. I did my research and it’s definitely something that I have been enduring for years. Akathisia can lead to death by suicide because it is so uncomfortable and unpleasant. My doctor prescribed me a anticholinergic medication (Cogentin) typically used for Parkinsons three weeks ago to counteract the akathisia. About a week ago she increased the dose because it wasn’t doing anything for the akathisia. Then major side effects started. Extreme dry mouth, blurred vision, brain fog, spacing out, on and on. I can barely read my phone because my vision is so blurred. So I stopped taking it because akathisia is honestly better than the side effects of this med. But now I’m back to battling akathisia.
I have mentioned several times in previous posts about how side effects of psychiatric medications are absolute hell. The medication that keeps me halfway sane causes relentless akathisia. So do many other meds. My psychiatrist said that the next course of action is to change my meds and try a different antipsychotic. And over the course of the last 17 years I have never had long term success with ANY medication. Always some unbearable side effects. Always a drawback.
FML.
In the past three weeks of this new medication I also quit cannabis, energy drinks, caffeine, and nicotine vape. And to my surprise, my energy levels increased. I had enough energy to walk 7 miles tonight. I’ve been sleeping better, but not good.
Sleep has been a problem for me for my entire adult life. I go see a sleep doctor tomorrow because I definitely have sleep apnea and that even showed up on my brain scan. I am anxious and pissed off about potentially needing a CPAP. But I have to do something because untreated sleep apnea will eventually kill me.
Back to side effects. I am now dealing with type 2 diabetes that started with an increase of Vraylar last year. We decreased it to the lowest dose and the diabetes didn’t change. Yay. Another thing to add to the pile of things challenging me. Right now I am controlling it with diet alone, and living without sugar and shit-carbs is very difficult. I have no other choice though. I don’t want to take or be dependent on insulin or diabetes drugs. And if I continued my old diet, it would eventually kill me.
It’s alot to carry. My body finally got tired of me polluting it with alcohol, cigarettes, kratom, energy drinks, cannabis, vaping, and caffeine. And now I have to change literally everything I ingest. It’s the only way forward, I have no other choice. Early death just isn’t something that I want.
TLDR, I’m fine. Just feeling very challenged this past several weeks. I will get through it, come out stronger and wiser.
Thank you everyone for your support and encouragement. I hope I can be the same for you. Seriously, reach out anytime.
