Love arrived without a question.
It stayed without a condition.

Tonight, I went down to the Little Squalicum pier to catch a sunset and gracefully complete a rather emotionally challenging day. In other words, I needed a good cry and staring into the ocean and watching the sun go down is the safe and beautiful way for me to move and release emotions I was feeling.

I didn’t know it when I arrived at the end of the aged wooden structure, but I was going to have the most surreal and unexpected experience moments later with a human being I had never met. One unexpected person out of the 98,000 people who live in Bellingham, Washington was going to become a part of my life’s story tonight.

The sun slowly drifted behind the horizon and the sky illuminated with the afterglow, as a steady stream of tears continued to run down my face. I had been crying for a solid half-hour as waves and waves of grief came across me.

I was staring out into infinite waves in the ocean and birds flying free in the sky. It was metaphorical in many ways. I was feeling my freedom and simultaneously feeling endless waves of grief over everything I have abandoned and lost that lead to this moment today.

I have abandoned and lost people I loved and who loved me.
I have abandoned and lost all parts and patterns of my former identity.
Yesterday, I abandoned and lost the anxious and fearful identity I had lived in for several months.

I have abandoned and lost so much in recent months that I barely have anything left anymore.

Today, I awoke with a new state of calm, and emptiness after abandoning the fear and anxiety I had been carrying up until yesterday.

That said, the grief I haven’t been able to experience for months was bubbling up quickly now that I was free from the anxiety and fears that had been blocking it all this time.

I didn’t know how long the waves were going to keep coming. The waves of tears, much like those of the Salish sea, seemed to have no end in sight.

It wasn’t dark yet, but the lights on the pier turned on.

An unexpected hand softly touched my shoulder.

It’s worth noting that I really don’t like people touching me without consent, but for some reason this didn’t startle me or cause any alarm.

When I slowly turned my head to look up, with snot bubbling out of my nose, I had the most beautiful, caring, peaceful, and gentle soul I have ever seen looking straight into my eyes, like she could see the universe of all of my emotions deep inside them. An angel was in my presence.

She gently took my cold hands into hers, turned them upright, and placed her electric handwarmers into them. She then put her hands over mine. I was suddenly holding hands with a stranger, and not just feeling the warmth of the handwarmers, but the warmth of her hands touching mine while she looked into my eyes with compassion and love.

She said, “hold these for a while” and then wrapped her arms around me and hugged me tightly. The peaceful embrace lasted a few minutes while I experienced another wave of grief flooding through my body.

She eventually loosened her hug, and looked me again deeply into my watery eyes, and said, “is there anything you want to talk about?” I nodded, and told her very briefly about the things I have been going through in my life and some challenges I experienced yesterday.

I told her the pier is my safe place to go when I need to process my feelings and release my emotions.

She said, “I completely understand you and know this experience well myself….I come down to the pier alot for the same reason. I’m here with you in this moment.”

I didn’t have to say more, and she put her arms back around me and held me for what felt like forever. Long, deep, strong hugs. The kind I haven’t experienced in a very long time. The touch I have been starved from. I can’t recall the last time I have had a hug that felt so genuine and special.

She was standing on her toes, arms wrapped around my neck, head pressed against mine, chin in my shoulder, ears touching, and not letting go. Squeezing me tightly, and gently rubbing her hands on my back.

It was the kind of hug that you see in the movies when sailors return from deployment and see their wives after months at sea.

Eventually we would loosen our hug, share a few more words with eachother, and then the embrace would continue again.

It didn’t matter that my beard was wet from tears along with a snotty nose. She just held me. As long as I needed held. She pulled me closer with each breath I took, her entire body pressed into mine, and let out small sounds of relief she was feeling too. The light but deeply comforting sounds of another human experiencing emotions in the moment with you.

A few tears ran down her face.

She didn’t know the details of a challenging day I was having following an experience yesterday that tested all of my emotional strength, boundaries, and the growth I have been making in recent months.

I never stopped demonstrating love to myself throughout the experience I had yesterday.

I didn’t react.
I didn’t respond.
I didn’t repeat patterns.
I didn’t numb or avoid feelings.
I stayed in integrity with myself.
I kept boundaries.
I honored my values, morals, and ethics.
I didn’t engage with, analyze, or attach to thoughts and emotions.
I didn’t flee, panic, or collapse.
I didn’t emotionally harm myself or anyone else.

Yesterday, I continued to enjoy myself and mind my business throughout the experience.

I finally was able to demonstrate to my mind and nervous system that I was ok, regardless of what I went through or might go through in the future.

I ended my Valentine’s Day with a clean conscience, no regrets, and no resentments. Only love. ❤️

The stark contrast to the experience yesterday was that a complete stranger was holding me tonight. Safely. Without any conditions or judgment. Without interrogating me and wanting to know every detail about everything in my life.

She didn’t need or want details.

She simply knew I was sad, she knew exactly what sadness feels like, and she was feeling my feelings as they related to hers. I didn’t need to provide context to be understood by her.

She showered me with warm, beautiful, and unconditional human love and touch. For once, while feeling heavy emotions, I wasn’t alone in my experience.

The confusion and pain of my experience yesterday, along with the nervous system discomfort I felt today, vanished into thin air with her safe and steady presence. The resurrected sadness and hurt I was feeling in the moment on the pier was suddenly transformed into beautiful, kind, heartwarming touch.

I didn’t know it, but she had been standing next to me for most of the time I was shedding tears. I had headphones on and my vision was blurred from the water in my eyes. I was oblivious to my surroundings. I had detached from everything going on around me. All the while, I was being witnessed and seen in ways that I haven’t been for a long time.

Once we touched, so was she.

The universe gave me a gift tonight that I will never forget. The timing was not a mere coincidence. This special human was put in the same time and place with me, in a magical mysterious way, for a reason I may never understand. It was spiritual.

I am always going to be grateful for this magical experience.

I am still trying to wrap my head around what happened at sunset tonight. I am still shaking my head trying to even believe what I just experienced. Our shared moment turned everything around for me in the most amazing, beautiful, and safe way.

I am never going to forget it. Anytime life hands me a challenge, I will always have this memory to remind me that the world is still kind and full of love.

Our moment together was transformative and quite frankly, fucking unreal.

Everything I have been carrying for months and all of the heavy feelings today floated away.

The universe gifted me this experience through her kindness and embrace.

To tell me that what I am experiencing is ok.
To tell me that I am ok.
To tell me that I can move on and forward with my life, even while hurting.
To tell me that I can release the attachments I have, even while making new connections.
To tell me that I can untether from pain I am feeling, even while feeling raw and exposed.

To tell me that there is hope, comfort and a big beautiful world waiting for me on the other side of this grief and sorrow I have been carrying.

A chapter of my life filled with anxiety and fear was unexpectedly, finally, and completely closed yesterday.

This gentle woman was there with me on the pier writing the first paragraph of my next chapter.

Without me asking.

She came out of nowhere. I may never see her again. Maybe I will. But for the moments we held eachother, the whole world stopped.

I experienced a genuine, real, human moment of warmth and her touch gently reminded me:

That hostility and chaos is not my whole world.
That my nervous system can be held gently.
That true love exists outside of romantic attachment.
That I can survive grief while receiving connection.
That the world contains kind humans.
That I am not alone in any of my experiences or emotions.
That my capacity to receive love is still very much intact.
That I am not abandoned by the events that have shaped my life.

The moment together was incredibly sacred, special, meaningful, and peaceful. I let this moment exist without attaching to it or wanting more. I let it drift away as peacefully as it arrived.

I didn’t need or ask for the magic I experienced tonight.
I needed safety and human touch, even though I wasn’t seeking it.
It was all given to me by her and I openly accepted and received it.

She told me at the end of our time together that I helped her more than I could ever know. And she did the same for me.

Even with our intimate closeness, the encounter we shared was platonic and nearly anonymous. We didn’t even share our first names until our hands joined and we were walking up the pier.

As suddenly as she showed up, we hugged once more and parted ways. She walked away onto a different path, disappearing into the chilly evening darkness.

Her name was Cherish.

❤️

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