Two months of choosing love, integrity, and gratitude while refusing to return to MY old TOXIC patterns.
Gratitude Didn’t Save Me. Integrity Did.
I was hurt. I was tested. I was tempted to react, numb out, disappear, or return to patterns that once felt familiar but always cost me everything.
Instead, I chose love.
I stayed sober. I stayed present. I stayed accountable. I screamed into the ocean. I cried alone. I walked every day. I watched the sun set from the pier whenever I could. I wrote amends. I kept my boundaries. I let people feel their feelings without rescuing them. I did not abandon myself.
This is not a gratitude list. It is a record of how I stayed standing when everything resisted me, and why I am grateful for so many things in my life.
And this is how I stayed true.
January and February.
Love in Motion.
January and February asked a lot of me. And not gently.
There were moments where people tried to hurt me. Moments where it would have been easy to react, defend, escalate, lash out, or return to patterns that once felt familiar and powerful but always ended in damage. I chose something else.
Again and again, I chose love.
I chose restraint. I chose dignity. I chose to be the bigger person, not because it was easy, but because it was aligned with who I am now.
I did not become disrespectful. I did not retaliate. I did not abandon myself. I stayed steady when it would have been easier to burn bridges or disappear into old behaviors that hurt others and myself. That choice alone changed everything.
Every day in January and February, I wrote down something I was grateful for. Some days it was light and joyful. Some days it was survival. Together, they tell the story of a season where I stayed standing while moving forward through resistance, grief, growth, and profound love.
This is not forced positivity.
This is grounded, embodied self-love.
Self-love included screaming into the ocean at night.
Self-love included crying alone.
Self-love included walking every day, rain or shine.
Self-love included going to the pier for sunset every night I could.
Self-love included moving forward with my life even when everything was resisting me and I was hurting.
Self-love included staying in integrity when it would have been easier to indulge in old harmful behaviors and addictions.
Self-love included writing very difficult letters of amends to people I have emotionally harmed over the years.
Self-love included being accountable and owning my shit when avoidance would have been easier.
Self-love included staying 100% true to my manifesto and not letting other people’s feelings about me change who I am now.
Self-love included not rescuing some people I love from their choices and consequences.
Self-love included returning to places, events, and experiences I had been avoiding.
Self-love included rediscovering my passion for dancing and photography.
Self-love included seeking and connecting with people for platonic, safe physical touch.
Self-love included deepening platonic loves without escalating them into romance or intimacy I am not ready for.
Self-love included setting and keeping boundaries to protect myself.
Self-love included being brutally honest with myself even when it was uncomfortable and much easier to talk my way out of.
I am Tukayote Helianthus.
I stayed present.
I stayed kind.
I stayed true.
I stayed with love.
Because, I am love.
Gratitude, however, is what carried me through.
My Gratitude These Months
- I am grateful for the fair and sunny weather.
- I am grateful for my daughter and her will to get through difficult situations in her life.
- I am grateful for rediscovering my walking hobby and being in good shape to do it.
- I am grateful for seeing a woman I dated several years ago, being able to smile at each other, and remembering the warmth and love we once shared, still having no regrets or hard feelings with her, and getting a nice and fun text from her afterwards referencing an inside joke we had many years ago.
- I am grateful for the moments of community at the Growing Veterans coffee checkin.
- I am grateful for the pile of nachos I ate at El Suenito tonight.
- I am grateful for all of the resources I have in my life right now and the big lessons I am learning.
- I am grateful for the extremely helpful insights I had on a walk today that I was able to document and use moving forward.
- I am grateful for a former head chef buddy inviting me over for dinner to celebrate my two year alcohol sobriety milestone.
- I am grateful for all the people who love me unconditionally and accept me for who I am.
- I am grateful for the huge shift of emotions I experienced today in fully reclaiming my space.
- I am grateful for the really sincere and special hug from my sweet US Navy Commander friend.
- I am grateful for the hugs and physical contact during the ecstatic dance event tonight.
- I am grateful for the relationships I have had and everything they have taught me.
- I am grateful for the four hours of pure joy I experienced with a platonic love today and how safe she made me feel.
- I am grateful for the sunset I experienced on the pier tonight.
- I am grateful for all the people who love me and show me love every day.
- I am grateful for my platonic love with a former bartender and how special she is to me.
- I am grateful for special people in my life who love me unconditionally.
- I am grateful for the beautiful weather in January this year.
- I am grateful for all of my creativity with writing lately.
- I am grateful for support and friendship with people in recovery who are doing their work.
- I am grateful for the ability to just leave my home whenever I want to, for any reason.
- I am grateful for my therapist and how gentle she is with me.
- I am grateful for my trip to the coast and the adventure I had on my own.
It is also where my children first saw the Pacific Ocean.
- I am grateful for the laughter at the comedy show tonight.
- I am grateful for the people I witnessed today and who witnessed me.
- I am grateful that I have not become overwhelmed, relapsed, entered a crisis state, and am still hopeful and optimistic.
- I am grateful for the insights about exposure therapy and compassion shared with me by my psychiatrist.
- I am grateful for the full day of continued exposure and the big shift in my thinking and the stability it is creating.
- I am grateful for meeting the facilitator of the workshop I attended and the other participants tonight.
- I am grateful for how I let my body feel the anxiety earlier instead of attaching to it and how it eventually passed without spilling over into my night.
- I am grateful for the realizations I had in my sleep and the important information they gave me about a special platonic love I have.
- I am grateful to have both of my daughters back in my life and be able to make memories with them again.
- I am grateful to have had a much more emotionally regulated and stable day.
- I am grateful for the exposure therapy I have been doing for a full week now.
- I am grateful for bumping into a former IFS group participant downtown and getting to chat with them for a bit.
- I am grateful for the beautiful weather and sunshine today.
- I am grateful for rediscovering my dance passion.
- I am grateful for the time I got to spend with a platonic love of mine today and getting to share in the excitement as she performed in a live music show tonight.
- I am grateful for all of the love I felt for myself all day long and to get to see my daughter tonight.
- I am grateful for the space I am creating for the amazing people who continue to show up in my life when I least expect it.
- I am grateful for discovering and being able to get Thai massage.
- I am grateful for getting to share a sunset with my daughter at the pier.
- I am grateful for the offers of help and support people have given me while I have been sick with a cold.
- I am grateful for the day of rest I had and the break it gave me from going non-stop for weeks.
- I am grateful for feeling better from my cold and being able to get outside and walk again.
- I am grateful for not having any nervous system triggering events at any point this weekend.
- I am grateful for the really comforting platonic cuddle session I had today with a new connection and how calming and co-regulating it was for both of us.
- I am grateful for two nice walks with music I have had today and no major nervous system triggers.
- I am grateful for the beautiful weather and gorgeous sunset at the pier tonight with a few smiles from a special person I crossed paths with a while back.
- I am grateful for the workshop series I attended this month, and everything I took away from it.
- I am grateful for the time I spent with a close platonic friend of mine tonight, how safe she is to be around, and the fun burlesque show we enjoyed together.
- I am grateful for the sunset at the pier tonight and the photographer I met there today who saw my photo featured in the Hamster Wheel newsletter.
Love Over Pattern.
Integrity Over Escape.
This list is proof of something important. I did not bypass pain. I did not deny reality. I did not numb out or self-destruct. I stayed with myself through it all.
When people tried to hurt me, I chose not to become someone I no longer am.
When old addictions and patterns whispered, I stayed sober and grounded.
When fear pushed me to rescue, fix, or abandon myself, I held my boundaries instead.
When shame tempted me to hide, I wrote amends and told the truth.
This is what self-love looks like when it is lived honestly.
Not polished.
Not performative.
Real.
Nothing took me down these months.
Nothing pulled me off my path.
Nothing changed who I am becoming.
I am Tukayote Helianthus.
I am strong.
I am resilient.
I am living in integrity.
I am moving forward with love.
I am love.
I am unstoppable.
