For years I have masked a heavy dependence on dopamine stimulating activities. Call it what you want…alcohol use disorder, kratom use disorder, substance use disorder, tobacco use disorder, addiction, dependence, etc… All of these are listed in my medical records. One by one, I have been working on redefining my relationships with these things and finding ways to live without them. Its been a real fucking struggle. 653 days without alcohol. 650 days without a cigarette. 379 days without kratom. 8 days without energy drinks. 4 days without marijuana. 2 days without nicotine. And about 10 minutes without caffeine. Im doing the internal work and becoming more and more emotionally sober. I have made peace with the parts of my internal family systems that drive me to use. I am doing everything I can and I still can’t seem to go five minutes without dopamine seeking. I have suspected for […]
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28 days into a psychiatric medication change.
So far so good…if you only care about stability. No changes in my mood. Im generally happy, not feeling depressed. Normal anxiety. Same akathisia. Nothing bouncing around. Well…except my physical energy and dopamine. On a “good” day, I struggle with energy and dopamine. This new medication, at least with the upward titration side effects, is just trashing my physical energy and dopamine, unless I supplement it. I used to supplement with cigarettes and alcohol and kratom. Now I am down to caffeine and a nicotine vape. I hate them both. Throughout my recovery journey, I have weened myself off almost every dopamine souce, including energy drinks. And it just makes it even worse. Caffeine and nicotine are a lifeline while I wait out this medication titration. I am so physically tired, and mentally drained of dopamine. Energy drinks to the rescue. “I thought you were stable, why change meds?” Laced […]
Read MoreLiving With a Dopamine-Deficient Brain: Why Addiction Made Too Much Sense to Me
Most people don’t wake up in the morning thinking about dopamine. I do. For me, dopamine isn’t just a buzzword thrown around in wellness blogs — it’s the invisible tide that shapes my moods, my focus, and my addictions. It’s the reason I can get locked into endless scrolling, chain-smoking in the past, or chasing one more drink. And it’s the reason recovery hasn’t just been about willpower — it’s been about rewiring my whole brain. What It Feels Like to Run Low on Dopamine Imagine starting every day with the volume knob on life turned down. Food tastes dull. Music doesn’t hit the same. Conversations feel muted. It’s not depression exactly — it’s more like existing in grayscale while everyone else seems to live in color. That’s what a chronically low dopamine baseline feels like. So when I found things that lit me up — alcohol, nicotine, kratom, marijuana […]
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