The past three weeks have been a real fucking challenge. It takes me a lot of courage to admit that I am struggling. I have been battling a few things for a long time. Feeling tired all the time AND feeling physical anxiety/restlessness. I love walking and hiking and just can’t seem to find the energy to do it. I have been telling my psychiatrist about the physical anxiety feeling in my body and she put two and two together and told me I have all of the symptoms of akathisia. Akathisia is a well known side effect of the antipsychotic medicine (Vraylar) I take for bipolar disorder. Well known to the experts, but not to me. I did my research and it’s definitely something that I have been enduring for years. Akathisia can lead to death by suicide because it is so uncomfortable and unpleasant. My doctor prescribed me […]
Read MorePost Tagged with: "positivity"
Who am I without self-medicating?
Roxy. She’s on my mind tonight.
I have introduced this part a few times. A fierce protector. In Internal Family Systems lingo, a firefighter. Roxy will stop at no cost when it comes to protecting me from fear (aka chronic anxiety). Her weapon of choice? Dopamine. Usually of the habitual or addictive behavior. She is constantly finding ways to stimulate my dopamine levels. Dopamine, I could write a chapter on. It’s a feel good neurotransmitter. Some of us have imbalances with it. So we crave it. Intensely. Things that people do to stimulate dopamine, like drugs, nicotine, alcohol, kratom, caffeine, etc… can be quite addictive. In comes Roxy. So as I cut alcohol and cigarettes last year, I rapidly developed type 2 diabetes. And gained over twenty pounds. In about 9 months. What does this have to do with Roxy? Well, when she offers alcohol and I say no…and when I say no to other things…she […]
Read MoreWellness Reminder – EAP/Peer Support/Mental Health First Aid/988
Hello Everyone, Happy New Year and welcome to 2025! I hope you had a joyful and relaxing holiday season. This time of year, with its colder weather, darker days, and post-holiday lull, can sometimes feel a little heavy—especially when it comes to our mental health. The important thing to remember is that you don’t have to face these feelings alone. There are FREE resources available to support you, and I want to take a moment to highlight a couple of them. First, many employers offer an Employee Assistance Program (EAP). This is a free, confidential program designed to support employees and their household family members. Whether you’re navigating personal challenges, workplace concerns, or need guidance on legal or financial matters, EAP is here to help. You can find more information about their services through your HR department. Second, I’m here for you as well! I’m a trained and certified Peer Supporter and Mental […]
Read More2025, the year I will discover my baseline
2025 will be the year that I discover my mental health baseline. I get to finally find the answer to some important questions about myself: For all but the first 13 days of this year I have been sober from alcohol and it has been challenging, especially at first. I didn’t just quit drinking alcohol, I also quit doing things that lead me to drinking, like partying. I learned a few months ago that in 2022/2023, I had been to the Wild Buffalo over 94 times (thank you Google Timeline). Each time I was good for 4-5 drinks. 60ish gallons of booze. Half a gallon a week. That’s on top of visiting 2-3 breweries a week. I was doing this dance with a known depressant and carcinogenic substance (alcohol) while fighting depression, bipolar disorder, and complex PTSD. I was mixing it with my psychiatric medications. It was a bad combination […]
Read MoreThree Years Ago
Three years ago I posted: “I love working my second job as a chef. I am the healthiest that I have ever been. My daughters are doing so much better. I have the best group of friends. I am making huge gains with my emotional health (50% less medication).” Yeah, I had decreased my own medication. Four days later I would arrive at the hospital, drunk, high, manic, suicidal and psychotic. I would soon be committed to the psych ward and deemed a flight risk and threat to myself. I was already in the beginning stages of the most wonderful feelings of mania, and I was self-medicating to keep from feeling its dangerous side. Nine days later, I was discharged and back on medications. When I came home, I found my apartment empty. My daughters were gone. They had enough of the psychosis and roller coaster of hell I put […]
Read More341st Day Without Alcohol
About two hours and several drinks later, I found myself on the ground in the Columbia neighborhood at 2AM, bleeding from my knees. In my drunk 7 mile walk home from work, I took a major fall. I was in so much pain that I called an Uber to drive me the rest of the way home. It would be two more years and two more intoxicated ER psych visits before I finally realized the grip alcohol had on me. I will learn in a few weeks what damage alcohol and my fall may have had on my brain. Today is my 341st day without alcohol. You struggling with booze? I see you. I have been there. I love you and don’t judge you. There is a better way. I can give you the resources and support you need. Please reach out anytime
Read MoreUnbelievable the horrible shit we teach children
Unbelievable the horrible shit we teach children. Then we get to unravel it all 20-30 years later as adults. For me, after raising children, repeating my parents parenting mistakes, and becoming estranged from my daughters for over a year and a half now. Tonight I learned about Internal Family Systems. Tip of the iceberg though. Really good stuff. **Apologies in advance,but I am going to be more active on social media about this, than I was about Crossfit for a few years.** Listened to a guy recall his mother telling him he was such a good boy for not crying and screaming (having perfectly normal toddler emotions and tantrums). He remembers that from age three. He had “perfect trauma free” upbringing by two well educated parents (professors). He called it the “Leave it to Beaver” family. “Nothing wrong at home.” I thought as I heard him tell the story that […]
Read MoreGet Scared. Get vulnerable.
I often say “do something every day that scares you” and I mean it. Why? Because it teaches us the power of vulnerability. It takes courage to do things that scare us, to leave our comfort zone and be vulnerable. And when we are vulnerable, we learn new things and we make big changes. Brene Brown has may quotes on vulnerability and here are some of my favorites: “Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.” “Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.” “Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.” “The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it. It’s our fear of the dark that casts our joy into the shadows.” “If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t […]
Read MoreToday Is a Gift
I often tell people when they ask me what I am grateful for, that I am exceptionally grateful that I was able to open my eyes this morning and have a brand new day full of opportunities and potentials. A day that has not been “ruined” or “messed up”. A fresh blank canvas of time that I can choose to explore with optimism and positivity–or I can waste. But at the end of the day, I can’t go back and change it. It is history at that point. So keeping this post simple. Today is a great day to go after your dreams, do something that scares or challenges you, learn something new, make a fresh connection with someone, to love ourselves, to tell others what we love about them, and to find gratitude in having a heart that is still beating. I love you and hope you are having […]
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