Today marks a significant milestone in my personal journey toward sobriety. I have achieved a milestone of a year sober from alcohol, 90 days free from Kratom, and 362 days without smoking tobacco cigarettes. While I am often considered “California Sober” due to my continued cannabis use, I have made a conscious decision to eliminate it from my life. This decision was prompted by my growing dependence on cannabis and the severe withdrawal symptoms I experienced during preparation for my brain scans. Recognizing the importance of maintaining a stable mental health baseline, I have decided to eliminate both cannabis and vaping nicotine from my routine. These substances have become crutches, preventing me from accurately assessing my mental health without their influence. Unlike my previous experience in December when I abruptly stopped cannabis without a recovery plan and only managed to remain cannabis-free for a brief period, I am now employing […]
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Wellness Reminder – EAP/Peer Support/Mental Health First Aid/988
Hello Everyone, Happy New Year and welcome to 2025! I hope you had a joyful and relaxing holiday season. This time of year, with its colder weather, darker days, and post-holiday lull, can sometimes feel a little heavy—especially when it comes to our mental health. The important thing to remember is that you don’t have to face these feelings alone. There are FREE resources available to support you, and I want to take a moment to highlight a couple of them. First, many employers offer an Employee Assistance Program (EAP). This is a free, confidential program designed to support employees and their household family members. Whether you’re navigating personal challenges, workplace concerns, or need guidance on legal or financial matters, EAP is here to help. You can find more information about their services through your HR department. Second, I’m here for you as well! I’m a trained and certified Peer Supporter and Mental […]
Read More2025, the year I will discover my baseline
2025 will be the year that I discover my mental health baseline. I get to finally find the answer to some important questions about myself: For all but the first 13 days of this year I have been sober from alcohol and it has been challenging, especially at first. I didn’t just quit drinking alcohol, I also quit doing things that lead me to drinking, like partying. I learned a few months ago that in 2022/2023, I had been to the Wild Buffalo over 94 times (thank you Google Timeline). Each time I was good for 4-5 drinks. 60ish gallons of booze. Half a gallon a week. That’s on top of visiting 2-3 breweries a week. I was doing this dance with a known depressant and carcinogenic substance (alcohol) while fighting depression, bipolar disorder, and complex PTSD. I was mixing it with my psychiatric medications. It was a bad combination […]
Read MoreI made it 7 days, 23 hours and ten minutes without smoking weed
I made it 7 days, 23 hours and ten minutes without smoking weed. Last night got the best of me and I succumbed to it. Anxiety was high, and a few minutes later so was I. Unfortunately my body and brain didn’t like it. At all. My anxiety increased, my pulse was in the low 100s, and I felt miserable in my own body and high at the same time. It was extremely uncomfortable for a few hours. A flashback to last Tuesday when I was in the peak of withdrawal from cannabis. Another bad taste of Marijuana left in my mouth. This isn’t my first setback/relapse with things I am addicted to. I wasn’t proud. I felt some shame and my most important part “Cowboy” gently nudged me and told me it was OK and he knew that I am trying my best with the resources I have. Shame […]
Read MoreA day of anxiety waves and cravings
A day of anxiety waves and cravings. Alot of parts involved. Had some boundaries violated recently and I had to stand my ground. That is so much easier said than done. Parts were afraid, anxious, on edge, restless, you know…kinda like last Tuesday. But much lower. Decided to “walk the war out of my system”. Moving 2560 pounds of water earlier wasn’t enough already. Broke a new mile record walking tonight of 14:06 or 4.26mph. I pushed painfully hard tonight. It’s what my body was craving. Also know as an escape from anxiety. That’s what is behind every single craving I have ever had. An anxiety/fear part that my dear part Roxy fiercely protects (with addictive behaviors). Problem is. Roxy is dopamine girl. Roxy is worn out. She tired of “needing” dopamine hits to get by. She is an important part of me. And part of my 2025 goals is […]
Read MoreThree Years Ago
Three years ago I posted: “I love working my second job as a chef. I am the healthiest that I have ever been. My daughters are doing so much better. I have the best group of friends. I am making huge gains with my emotional health (50% less medication).” Yeah, I had decreased my own medication. Four days later I would arrive at the hospital, drunk, high, manic, suicidal and psychotic. I would soon be committed to the psych ward and deemed a flight risk and threat to myself. I was already in the beginning stages of the most wonderful feelings of mania, and I was self-medicating to keep from feeling its dangerous side. Nine days later, I was discharged and back on medications. When I came home, I found my apartment empty. My daughters were gone. They had enough of the psychosis and roller coaster of hell I put […]
Read More341st Day Without Alcohol
About two hours and several drinks later, I found myself on the ground in the Columbia neighborhood at 2AM, bleeding from my knees. In my drunk 7 mile walk home from work, I took a major fall. I was in so much pain that I called an Uber to drive me the rest of the way home. It would be two more years and two more intoxicated ER psych visits before I finally realized the grip alcohol had on me. I will learn in a few weeks what damage alcohol and my fall may have had on my brain. Today is my 341st day without alcohol. You struggling with booze? I see you. I have been there. I love you and don’t judge you. There is a better way. I can give you the resources and support you need. Please reach out anytime
Read MoreHere I am tonight.
Well here I am tonight. Hopefully not for long. I have debated sharing this because it is a bit embarrassing and deeply personal. But I also hate stigma around mental and substance challenges — I share it all so others struggling may have a voice. I see you! Anxiety got the best of me today and I called a nurse line and they told me to go to the VA hospital. By the time I arrived, the walkin mental health clinic was closed so the next option was the ER. Remaining transparent, this anxiety has been around for years and years. Since childhood. I have used many addictions to numb it and make it manageable. And at the end of the day, anxiety will always find a way back. Cannabis was one of the best reliefs I had from anxiety until I stopped smoking it on Sunday night to prepare […]
Read MoreAn open letter to my daughters. ❤️
Dear Sydnie and Cadence, Merry Christmas. As the holiday season wraps its peaceful, festive air around us, I am reaching out with a heart full of hope and change. This year has been one of profound transformation for me, driven by a deep commitment to therapy and intense treatment for my bipolar disorder. These experiences have not only reshaped my understanding of myself but also how I view our past and the future I hope we can share. I miss you both immensely. The laughter, the shared moments, and even the simplest conversations are memories I cherish deeply. My journey through therapy has opened my eyes to the importance of peace, understanding, and the gentle art of mending what was once broken. This Christmas, my wish is not just for joy and happiness for you both, but for a future where we can reconnect, not as the people we were, […]
Read MoreUnbelievable the horrible shit we teach children
Unbelievable the horrible shit we teach children. Then we get to unravel it all 20-30 years later as adults. For me, after raising children, repeating my parents parenting mistakes, and becoming estranged from my daughters for over a year and a half now. Tonight I learned about Internal Family Systems. Tip of the iceberg though. Really good stuff. **Apologies in advance,but I am going to be more active on social media about this, than I was about Crossfit for a few years.** Listened to a guy recall his mother telling him he was such a good boy for not crying and screaming (having perfectly normal toddler emotions and tantrums). He remembers that from age three. He had “perfect trauma free” upbringing by two well educated parents (professors). He called it the “Leave it to Beaver” family. “Nothing wrong at home.” I thought as I heard him tell the story that […]
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