Post Tagged with: "Shame"
2025, the year I will discover my baseline
2025 will be the year that I discover my mental health baseline. I get to finally find the answer to some important questions about myself: For all but the first 13 days of this year I have been sober from alcohol and it has been challenging, especially at first. I didn’t just quit drinking alcohol, I also quit doing things that lead me to drinking, like partying. I learned a few months ago that in 2022/2023, I had been to the Wild Buffalo over 94 times (thank you Google Timeline). Each time I was good for 4-5 drinks. 60ish gallons of booze. Half a gallon a week. That’s on top of visiting 2-3 breweries a week. I was doing this dance with a known depressant and carcinogenic substance (alcohol) while fighting depression, bipolar disorder, and complex PTSD. I was mixing it with my psychiatric medications. It was a bad combination […]
Read MoreI made it 7 days, 23 hours and ten minutes without smoking weed
I made it 7 days, 23 hours and ten minutes without smoking weed. Last night got the best of me and I succumbed to it. Anxiety was high, and a few minutes later so was I. Unfortunately my body and brain didn’t like it. At all. My anxiety increased, my pulse was in the low 100s, and I felt miserable in my own body and high at the same time. It was extremely uncomfortable for a few hours. A flashback to last Tuesday when I was in the peak of withdrawal from cannabis. Another bad taste of Marijuana left in my mouth. This isn’t my first setback/relapse with things I am addicted to. I wasn’t proud. I felt some shame and my most important part “Cowboy” gently nudged me and told me it was OK and he knew that I am trying my best with the resources I have. Shame […]
Read MoreUnbelievable the horrible shit we teach children
Unbelievable the horrible shit we teach children. Then we get to unravel it all 20-30 years later as adults. For me, after raising children, repeating my parents parenting mistakes, and becoming estranged from my daughters for over a year and a half now. Tonight I learned about Internal Family Systems. Tip of the iceberg though. Really good stuff. **Apologies in advance,but I am going to be more active on social media about this, than I was about Crossfit for a few years.** Listened to a guy recall his mother telling him he was such a good boy for not crying and screaming (having perfectly normal toddler emotions and tantrums). He remembers that from age three. He had “perfect trauma free” upbringing by two well educated parents (professors). He called it the “Leave it to Beaver” family. “Nothing wrong at home.” I thought as I heard him tell the story that […]
Read MoreBeen a tad bumpy. You aren’t alone.
The last few weeks have been some of the best times of my life. I became closer to an already close friend and have formed a new partnership. My existing partnership continues to get more amazing every day. My heart is so full. 🥰 I had some amazing mental health training. I met some great people on the streets. I walked a 17 mile day and reconnected with another close friend. Broke some personal fitness records. Been spending lots of really good quality time with my partners and friends. Eating better. Sleeping really well. Taking my meds. Feeling hopeful and excited about the future. Exploring new photography stuff. Launched a couple websites. IFS. Job is good. Relationships are solid. The last few weeks have also been a time of real struggle. I quit improv class. Last week on Monday and Tuesday nailed me to the ground. A shame tornado ripped […]
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