Most people don’t wake up in the morning thinking about dopamine. I do. For me, dopamine isn’t just a buzzword thrown around in wellness blogs — it’s the invisible tide that shapes my moods, my focus, and my addictions. It’s the reason I can get locked into endless scrolling, chain-smoking in the past, or chasing one more drink. And it’s the reason recovery hasn’t just been about willpower — it’s been about rewiring my whole brain. What It Feels Like to Run Low on Dopamine Imagine starting every day with the volume knob on life turned down. Food tastes dull. Music doesn’t hit the same. Conversations feel muted. It’s not depression exactly — it’s more like existing in grayscale while everyone else seems to live in color. That’s what a chronically low dopamine baseline feels like. So when I found things that lit me up — alcohol, nicotine, kratom, marijuana […]
Read MorePost Tagged with: "sobriety"
From Fragmented to Whole: My Recovery Journey Since 2007
In 2007, I was diagnosed with Bipolar I Disorder. I didn’t know then that this would be the first of many labels I’d carry—some helpful, some harmful, all trying to explain why my mind didn’t work the way other people’s seemed to. What I did know was that I was already at war with myself, and I hadn’t even realized I was on a battlefield. I was born into a volatile, high-stress environment—a home where emotional safety was rare, and where fear often arrived before love. I grew up hypervigilant, constantly scanning for danger, learning to stay small and quiet to survive. I experienced emotional abuse, neglect, and physical trauma that shaped my developing brain, body, and sense of worth. By the time I left home, I had already learned to expect abandonment and blame myself for everything I couldn’t control. As an adult, I joined the military, hoping for […]
Read MoreWho am I without self-medicating?
Roxy. She’s on my mind tonight.
I have introduced this part a few times. A fierce protector. In Internal Family Systems lingo, a firefighter. Roxy will stop at no cost when it comes to protecting me from fear (aka chronic anxiety). Her weapon of choice? Dopamine. Usually of the habitual or addictive behavior. She is constantly finding ways to stimulate my dopamine levels. Dopamine, I could write a chapter on. It’s a feel good neurotransmitter. Some of us have imbalances with it. So we crave it. Intensely. Things that people do to stimulate dopamine, like drugs, nicotine, alcohol, kratom, caffeine, etc… can be quite addictive. In comes Roxy. So as I cut alcohol and cigarettes last year, I rapidly developed type 2 diabetes. And gained over twenty pounds. In about 9 months. What does this have to do with Roxy? Well, when she offers alcohol and I say no…and when I say no to other things…she […]
Read MoreA day of anxiety waves and cravings
A day of anxiety waves and cravings. Alot of parts involved. Had some boundaries violated recently and I had to stand my ground. That is so much easier said than done. Parts were afraid, anxious, on edge, restless, you know…kinda like last Tuesday. But much lower. Decided to “walk the war out of my system”. Moving 2560 pounds of water earlier wasn’t enough already. Broke a new mile record walking tonight of 14:06 or 4.26mph. I pushed painfully hard tonight. It’s what my body was craving. Also know as an escape from anxiety. That’s what is behind every single craving I have ever had. An anxiety/fear part that my dear part Roxy fiercely protects (with addictive behaviors). Problem is. Roxy is dopamine girl. Roxy is worn out. She tired of “needing” dopamine hits to get by. She is an important part of me. And part of my 2025 goals is […]
Read More