This first picture was six years ago. That was a “smile”. I wasn’t stoned. I was flat. Emotionless. I was on at least six psychiatric medications including benzos, antipsychotics, and mood stabilizers. Most were at or near the highest dose. They dulled me, numbed me, and flattened me. No happiness. No joy. No glimmer in my eyes. This was some of the darkest times of my life. I struggled with suicidal ideation on a near daily basis. Despite being prescribed a handful of psych meds, my mood was far from stable, nearly anything would set me into a deep and ugly spiral. In the following 2.5 years, it would get much uglier. I would be hospitalized twice. I would experience hallucinations and deep psychosis. I would lose my wife. Then my daughters. Then my friends. My home. My clean criminal record. And one day wake up very alone and scared. […]
Read MorePost Tagged with: "trauma"
Living With a Dopamine-Deficient Brain: Why Addiction Made Too Much Sense to Me
Most people don’t wake up in the morning thinking about dopamine. I do. For me, dopamine isn’t just a buzzword thrown around in wellness blogs — it’s the invisible tide that shapes my moods, my focus, and my addictions. It’s the reason I can get locked into endless scrolling, chain-smoking in the past, or chasing one more drink. And it’s the reason recovery hasn’t just been about willpower — it’s been about rewiring my whole brain. What It Feels Like to Run Low on Dopamine Imagine starting every day with the volume knob on life turned down. Food tastes dull. Music doesn’t hit the same. Conversations feel muted. It’s not depression exactly — it’s more like existing in grayscale while everyone else seems to live in color. That’s what a chronically low dopamine baseline feels like. So when I found things that lit me up — alcohol, nicotine, kratom, marijuana […]
Read MoreWho am I without self-medicating?
Roxy. She’s on my mind tonight.
I have introduced this part a few times. A fierce protector. In Internal Family Systems lingo, a firefighter. Roxy will stop at no cost when it comes to protecting me from fear (aka chronic anxiety). Her weapon of choice? Dopamine. Usually of the habitual or addictive behavior. She is constantly finding ways to stimulate my dopamine levels. Dopamine, I could write a chapter on. It’s a feel good neurotransmitter. Some of us have imbalances with it. So we crave it. Intensely. Things that people do to stimulate dopamine, like drugs, nicotine, alcohol, kratom, caffeine, etc… can be quite addictive. In comes Roxy. So as I cut alcohol and cigarettes last year, I rapidly developed type 2 diabetes. And gained over twenty pounds. In about 9 months. What does this have to do with Roxy? Well, when she offers alcohol and I say no…and when I say no to other things…she […]
Read MoreGot my results of the brain scans. ❤️
The full report is a 16 pages long. TL:DR Abnormal brain scan. My brain isn’t very healthy. These images are based on blood flow and don’t show the actual shape of my brain. So the “holes” are really weak areas of circulation. But my physical brain doesn’t have holes. Also evidence of brain injury, possibly multiple. The big takeaway is that my current mental diagnoses are aligned with what they see and with the 600 questions and roughly a dozen other evaluations they performed. We are ordering labs and a sleep study now to dig deeper into some of the other physical conditions I may have that can cause deteriorating brain health. Bottom line, poor circulation in many parts of my brain caused by injuries, exposures to toxins (chemicals as a kid, burn pits in the Air Force, smoking tobacco/cannabis, alcohol, kratom), childhood and adult trauma, and years of poor […]
Read More341st Day Without Alcohol
About two hours and several drinks later, I found myself on the ground in the Columbia neighborhood at 2AM, bleeding from my knees. In my drunk 7 mile walk home from work, I took a major fall. I was in so much pain that I called an Uber to drive me the rest of the way home. It would be two more years and two more intoxicated ER psych visits before I finally realized the grip alcohol had on me. I will learn in a few weeks what damage alcohol and my fall may have had on my brain. Today is my 341st day without alcohol. You struggling with booze? I see you. I have been there. I love you and don’t judge you. There is a better way. I can give you the resources and support you need. Please reach out anytime
Read MoreBellingham and Whatcom Leaders – Raise Shelter Threshold & End Harmful Sweeps
To: mayorsoffice@cob.org <mayorsoffice@cob.org>, ccmail@cob.org <ccmail@cob.org>, hestone@cob.org <hestone@cob.org>, hahuthman@cob.org <hahuthman@cob.org>, dchammill@cob.org <dchammill@cob.org>, ehwilliams@cob.org <ehwilliams@cob.org>, laanderson@cob.org <laanderson@cob.org>, mlilliquist@cob.org <mlilliquist@cob.org>, Council <council@co.whatcom.wa.us>, CFrazey@co.whatcom.wa.us <CFrazey@co.whatcom.wa.us>, kgallowa@co.whatcom.wa.us <kgallowa@co.whatcom.wa.us>, bbuchana@co.whatcom.wa.us <bbuchana@co.whatcom.wa.us>, tdonovan@co.whatcom.wa.us <tdonovan@co.whatcom.wa.us>, tbyrd@co.whatcom.wa.us <tbyrd@co.whatcom.wa.us>, kkershne@co.whatcom.wa.us <kkershne@co.whatcom.wa.us>, belenbaa@co.whatcom.wa.us <belenbaa@co.whatcom.wa.us>, DTanksle@co.whatcom.wa.us <DTanksle@co.whatcom.wa.us>, ssidhu@co.whatcom.wa.us <ssidhu@co.whatcom.wa.us>, jcotton@cob.org <jcotton@cob.org>Subject: Raise Shelter Threshold & End Harmful Sweeps Dear Whatcom County and Bellingham City Leaders, I am writing to implore Whatcom County and the City of Bellingham governments to work together to raise the winter weather shelter operating threshold to 40°F, including wind chill, whichever is lower. I also urge you to end the counterproductive practice of sweeping homeless encampments during cold weather and to prioritize evidence-based solutions to address the fentanyl crisis. These interconnected issues require compassion, collaboration, and long-term planning—not punitive measures that worsen the challenges faced by our community. The Risks of the Current Shelter Threshold The current shelter threshold of 32°F does not account for the compounded dangers […]
Read MoreUnbelievable the horrible shit we teach children
Unbelievable the horrible shit we teach children. Then we get to unravel it all 20-30 years later as adults. For me, after raising children, repeating my parents parenting mistakes, and becoming estranged from my daughters for over a year and a half now. Tonight I learned about Internal Family Systems. Tip of the iceberg though. Really good stuff. **Apologies in advance,but I am going to be more active on social media about this, than I was about Crossfit for a few years.** Listened to a guy recall his mother telling him he was such a good boy for not crying and screaming (having perfectly normal toddler emotions and tantrums). He remembers that from age three. He had “perfect trauma free” upbringing by two well educated parents (professors). He called it the “Leave it to Beaver” family. “Nothing wrong at home.” I thought as I heard him tell the story that […]
Read MoreBeen a tad bumpy. You aren’t alone.
The last few weeks have been some of the best times of my life. I became closer to an already close friend and have formed a new partnership. My existing partnership continues to get more amazing every day. My heart is so full. 🥰 I had some amazing mental health training. I met some great people on the streets. I walked a 17 mile day and reconnected with another close friend. Broke some personal fitness records. Been spending lots of really good quality time with my partners and friends. Eating better. Sleeping really well. Taking my meds. Feeling hopeful and excited about the future. Exploring new photography stuff. Launched a couple websites. IFS. Job is good. Relationships are solid. The last few weeks have also been a time of real struggle. I quit improv class. Last week on Monday and Tuesday nailed me to the ground. A shame tornado ripped […]
Read MoreThe power and release, of control
“I want to heal my inner child and I can start taking small steps every day. I know of people who have done the work to heal trauma, so it can be possible for me too. I can learn and heal as I figure things out in this new journey. I release my need for perfection and replace it with love and compassion for myself.” – Tukayote, December 2022. Five months later, I am rewording it to “I am firmly on the path of healing my inner child and I continue taking small steps every day to become more secure in myself, and my attachment to others. I know many people doing this work to heal their trauma, and it inspires me to continue doing the same thing for myself. I am learning so much, and healing so many things in this journey. I continue to release my need for […]
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