Well here I am tonight. Hopefully not for long. I have debated sharing this because it is a bit embarrassing and deeply personal. But I also hate stigma around mental and substance challenges — I share it all so others struggling may have a voice. I see you! 
Anxiety got the best of me today and I called a nurse line and they told me to go to the VA hospital. By the time I arrived, the walkin mental health clinic was closed so the next option was the ER.
Remaining transparent, this anxiety has been around for years and years. Since childhood. I have used many addictions to numb it and make it manageable. And at the end of the day, anxiety will always find a way back.
Cannabis was one of the best reliefs I had from anxiety until I stopped smoking it on Sunday night to prepare for the brain scans this week.
Little did I know this cannabis had a death grip on me. I’m in full withdrawals now and quite possibly the most uncomfortable I have ever been. The list of things I am experiencing goes on and on.
-Headache and stiffness in neck
-Heart beating hard and fast
-Chest pain
-Alternating between cold and hot
-Anxiety through the roof
-Agitation and restlessness. Can’t stand being in my body
-No appetite
-Can’t sleep
-Can’t focus or concentrate
-Worried about loss of sleep and agitation leading to bipolar mania
Despite feeling like utter shit mentally and physically, tonight is a big win for me. It’s the first time I have proactively sought emergency medical help for psychiatric issues while being completely sober (except nicotine and caffeine). Unlike a year ago when I refused help, and found myself in the hospital drunk, high, and psychotic…tonight I have full lucid control of the steering wheel. I am preventing crisis tonight and can fully advocate for myself without substances interfering.
Please don’t worry about me. I’m in good hands and will get through the withdrawals. I just need some extra support from the psychiatric side of things.
Sending love to everyone and hoping you all are getting through the darkness and holidays without challenges. I’m always here for you and I am so grateful that I have your love and support.
