Been a tad bumpy. You aren’t alone.

The last few weeks have been some of the best times of my life. I became closer to an already close friend and have formed a new partnership. My existing partnership continues to get more amazing every day. My heart is so full. 🥰

I had some amazing mental health training. I met some great people on the streets. I walked a 17 mile day and reconnected with another close friend. Broke some personal fitness records. Been spending lots of really good quality time with my partners and friends. Eating better. Sleeping really well. Taking my meds. Feeling hopeful and excited about the future. Exploring new photography stuff. Launched a couple websites. IFS. Job is good. Relationships are solid.

The last few weeks have also been a time of real struggle. I quit improv class. Last week on Monday and Tuesday nailed me to the ground. A shame tornado ripped through my soul. I thought it couldn’t feel worse. Then the last shame hurricane pummeled through Wednesday Night and Thursday morning. I talked to a crisis therapist. The eye passed over that afternoon and I thought it was over. The second and strongest wave passed Friday morning, and it devastated everything. My head was left spinning. I literally didn’t see it coming. I thought my world was gone. That was until a friend showed up unexpectedly, and intentionally that afternoon.

On my 199th day without smoking, I had a lit cigarette in my hand, and had already burned a half pack. He had coffee. He was there to check on me. Infact my closest people had been in talks most of the day to try to discern if and what kind of storm had hit me and what to do. I needed help and couldn’t say the words. They knew something was amiss. I was completely out of character.

(I want to share that despite suffering a major mental health challenge, I never became a danger to myself or others. I was never suicidal. I had spiraled with shame into a very hard place. It felt like a crisis that nobody would understand.)

Throughout these dark cold moody fall storms, my tribe has surrounded me with love and compassion. They have lifted me up. They understand pain and suffering. They get me. They remind me that I am still the same person I was before the storm. They emphasize that my core self remains unchanged. And they have let me know through words and actions that storms come and go. And we don’t have to weather them alone. We can weather it together. Joining hands with love and compassion we can survive anything life throws at us.

Struggling? I see you. I hear you. I love you. Let’s chat about it. Let’s #WeatherItTogether ❤️


Parents fighting in front of their kid

Unbelievable the horrible shit we teach children

Unbelievable the horrible shit we teach children.

Then we get to unravel it all 20-30 years later as adults. For me, after raising children, repeating my parents parenting mistakes, and becoming estranged from my daughters for over a year and a half now.

Tonight I learned about Internal Family Systems. Tip of the iceberg though. Really good stuff.

**Apologies in advance,but I am going to be more active on social media about this, than I was about Crossfit for a few years.** 🤣

Listened to a guy recall his mother telling him he was such a good boy for not crying and screaming (having perfectly normal toddler emotions and tantrums). He remembers that from age three. He had “perfect trauma free” upbringing by two well educated parents (professors). He called it the “Leave it to Beaver” family. “Nothing wrong at home.”

I thought as I heard him tell the story that I was going to hear how positive this was for him. It seemed like a stark contrast to how I was raised. I would be so lucky to have his positive parents.

After all, I grew up hearing, “Shut up or I will give you something to cry about.” And, a real bingo, “Big boys don’t cry.” Not just from my parents, but from extended family and neighbors.

Real bingo? Yeah. This guy and I were both delivered a traumatic message. The SAME EXACT ONE.

“Don’t share your feelings. And definitely don’t show negative emotions. Because it’s bad.”

And because it was declared bad by people who are our trusted protectors, it was internalized as shame whenever I had a normal toddler tantrum. Shame driven tantrums were a part of my teenage development and on through a majority of my adulthood. And they were usually shame triggered. And generated more shame themselves. And lots of family and friend damage. Which generates more shame. A big fucking shame ferris wheel on fire.

Until I got raw, and vulnerable, and open, about it. Brene Brown says that “Vulnerability is the antidote to shame.” I can’t find anything more true for me. And you can’t get real vulnerable until you accept and love yourself as-is–all of your parts are inherently GOOD, even the ones that are failing you at the moment. And then start doing the actual work to heal and reprogram this old thinking.

Unconditional self love is so important. More important than anything. It isn’t easy, especially with shameful programming learned in childhood. But it’s 100% possible.

Is the shame monster on your back? Shoot me a message. Let’s talk. There is hope. ❤️

I love you. As-is. All of you.


❤️ Tukayote ❤️

The power and release, of control

I want to heal my inner child and I can start taking small steps every day.  I know of people who have done the work to heal trauma, so it can be possible for me too.  I can learn and heal as I figure things out in this new journey.  I release my need for perfection and replace it with love and compassion for myself.


“I want to heal my inner child and I can start taking small steps every day. I know of people who have done the work to heal trauma, so it can be possible for me too. I can learn and heal as I figure things out in this new journey. I release my need for perfection and replace it with love and compassion for myself.” – Tukayote, December 2022.

Five months later, I am rewording it to “I am firmly on the path of healing my inner child and I continue taking small steps every day to become more secure in myself, and my attachment to others. I know many people doing this work to heal their trauma, and it inspires me to continue doing the same thing for myself. I am learning so much, and healing so many things in this journey. I continue to release my need for perfection in myself and with others, and replace it with unconditional love for myself and those around me. I release my expectations of others and realize that there is nothing outside of myself that I can truly control.

It is fun to go back and look at where I was then and where I am today. I drafted an e-mail to a former partner this afternoon, one who I have had problems with for over a year, and who I had to sever the relationship with a few months ago. Then I deleted it. Without sending it. Something I couldn’t even think of being able to do five months ago, and something I couldn’t do three days ago when I hit send on the message I impulsively typed out in response to this person trying to interfere with my life again. I was giving them power and control over my emotions by engaging with them, yet again. And today, just three days later, after deep reflection and a 12 mile walk last night, I processed (yet more) emotions and came to new conclusions. I don’t owe them shit. And there is nothing I can say that will get through to them and make them understand the hurt, pain, and damage I feel from them. I can’t control their feelings or emotions. I can’t make them understand things the way that I do.

There truly is nothing outside of myself that I can control. I can’t control this person who continues down a destructive path and tries to pull me in. I can’t control their desire to control me. I can only control my choices, especially how I respond to what they are doing. And no response, is a SOLID response.

Sometime, also about 5 months ago, I sat down and listed all of the things I can control. Humans by nature like to feel like they are in control of something, and it was important for me to not feel powerless or helpless. So here is my list. I keep it on my phone, read it frequently, and when the inspiration hits, I add more to it. It keeps growing, but at the root of it all is one word: myself. I can only control myself. I can’t control other people (and what they do), the weather, random injuries, flat tires, or any of the millions of things life dishes out to us with little or no advanced warning. Just me. Only me.

Things I can control and have power over:

  • My reactions to anything I face
  • My emotions and how I respond to triggers
  • My truth
  • My commitments to myself and others
  • My time and how I spend it
  • My body and what I do with it
  • My mental/physical/emotional/sexual health
  • My schedule and how I fill it
  • My diet
  • My substance, nicotine, and alcohol use
  • My money
  • My choice of friends and relationships
  • My sexuality
  • My love and who/how I share it with others
  • My gifts and acts of service 
  • My communication
  • My volunteerism
  • My employment

Things I can’t control and have no power over:

  • Literally everything else

So, take a few minutes to write down what you have control over and the things you don’t (and probably wish) you had control over. Then examine the things you don’t have control over, especially the ones that are causing you turmoil, emotions, and wasted energy. Stop trying to control them and give the control and power back to what you can control, yourself. Release expectations of others and yourself; they only serve to disappoint you in the long run. Turn to love and compassion for yourself and the healing journey you are on. And share that love and compassion with everyone and everything in your world (even your enemies).

Have a lovely day my friends and followers. I love all of you and hope this helps you take control of yourself and release your need to control anything that you simply cannot (which is almost everything, except you).

Love Always,

<3 Tukayote <3