Three years ago I posted:
“I love working my second job as a chef. I am the healthiest that I have ever been. My daughters are doing so much better. I have the best group of friends. I am making huge gains with my emotional health (50% less medication).”
Yeah, I had decreased my own medication. Four days later I would arrive at the hospital, drunk, high, manic, suicidal and psychotic. I would soon be committed to the psych ward and deemed a flight risk and threat to myself. I was already in the beginning stages of the most wonderful feelings of mania, and I was self-medicating to keep from feeling its dangerous side. Nine days later, I was discharged and back on medications. When I came home, I found my apartment empty. My daughters were gone. They had enough of the psychosis and roller coaster of hell I put them through…again.
That low moment in my life wasn’t enough for me to make lasting changes. I was really good at telling myself that I could still drink, get fucked up, and party till all hours of the night. “As long as I take my meds I will be fine.” I was making no gains with my emotional health and almost two years later, I would find myself right back in the same hospital, in the same intoxicated and psychotic state. And the worst part? I would lose more special people.
Enough was enough. Sobriety was my only choice. Especially with alcohol. I told myself that I would never go back to the hospital for psychiatric reasons while under the influence of alcohol. And I kept my promise to myself. Six weeks later on January 13, 2024, I stopped drinking.
Sobriety from alcohol and eventually kratom was one of the biggest acts of love that I have ever given myself. And the support and encouragement I have received has been the most special gift others have given me.
My only goal for 2025 is to understand what my baseline mental health is, without substances interfering with it. While bipolar disorder is in my chemistry, and I can’t always prevent a visit to the hospital, I can know that it wasn’t caused by substances that affect my brain health. That feels so good.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
