This first picture was six years ago. That was a “smile”. I wasn’t stoned. I was flat. Emotionless.
I was on at least six psychiatric medications including benzos, antipsychotics, and mood stabilizers. Most were at or near the highest dose. They dulled me, numbed me, and flattened me. No happiness. No joy. No glimmer in my eyes.
This was some of the darkest times of my life. I struggled with suicidal ideation on a near daily basis. Despite being prescribed a handful of psych meds, my mood was far from stable, nearly anything would set me into a deep and ugly spiral. In the following 2.5 years, it would get much uglier. I would be hospitalized twice. I would experience hallucinations and deep psychosis. I would lose my wife. Then my daughters. Then my friends. My home. My clean criminal record. And one day wake up very alone and scared. And extremely tired.
I was sleeping 15-16 hours a day. Bathing twice a month. Somehow holding a job and paying rent.
A Facebook ad changed my life one morning. Liva Nova, a European pharmaceutical company, was looking for research trial patients for vagus nerve stimulator therapy. I signed up. I was accepted into the trial. It gave me just enough hope to make it through the next 9–12 months of procedures and appointments. Then I started noticing positive effects on my mood and sleep. The big change had started.
It wasn’t instant. It wasn’t magic. But it was the first time in decades that I felt something shift in the right direction. Little by little, the darkness lifted. I found stability. I started rebuilding—my health, my relationships, my life.
Today, I’m in many states of recovery. I’m present. I’m a Peer Supporter helping others navigate their own storms. I still live with Bipolar Disorder and PTSD, but they no longer own me.
If you are in the middle of your own darkness, I want you to know this: there is hope. It might not come the way you expect. It might take time. But change is possible. Healing is possible. And you are not alone. Please reach out. ❤️