Grateful for these 44 things

On November 20, 2023, I sat down and wrote 42 things that I am grateful for. The list, over two years old, hasn’t changed at all. It’s still hanging on my fridge, and the paper is showing its age.

The list is in no particular order of importance, just the way it came out of my brain and onto the piece of paper.

42 Things I am Grateful For:

1. My life
2. My family
3. My people
4. My health
5. My lived experiences
6. The opportunity each new day presents
7. The things that I have learned in my lifetime
8. The memories that I have made with people and on my own
9. My creativity
10. My Object Personification Synesthesia
11. Food and clean water
12. Shelter and sanitation
13. Medicine and my access to it
14. My Vagus Nerve Stimulator
15. Being neurodivergent
16. The technology we can hold in one hand
17. Being a veteran and having the VA
18. My former relationships and what they taught me
19. Access to quality mental health care
20. My old friends and our memories
21. Boundaries done well
22. People who do their work
23. People who don’t
24. People
25. Mt. Baker, The Cascades, mountains, forests, the ocean, trails, good knees, wildlife, and the views on top of a peak
26. Good weather
27. The opportunities I have had to publicly serve the citizens of our United States, the taxpayers of the State of Washington, and the taxpayers of the County of Bernalillo, New Mexico
28. Environmental protectors and stewards
29. The lands I work, live, and play on
30. My parents, and my ancestors
31. The changing of seasons
32. My imagination and the things that I have used it to do in my life
33. My mental challenges and the people who support me through them
34. The ability to read and write
35. The ability to see and hear
36. The ability to feel touch and temperature
37. Physical human touch, cuddles, and snuggles
38. Flirting, love, affection, romance, and intimacy
39. A comfortable place to sleep
40. Dogs and bears
41. Radioactivity
42. The universe

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The Missing Two

But you said, “44”? I wasn’t trying to fool you, you are right, here are 43 and 44:

43. The amazing sunset I experienced today

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Thalassophobia is an intense, persistent, and irrational fear of deep, vast, and dark bodies of water, such as oceans, seas, or large lakes. Derived from the Greek words thalassa (sea) and phobos (fear), it is classified as a specific phobia that causes extreme anxiety, panic attacks, and avoidance behaviors. 

I don’t experience thalassophobia, infact, I am quite the opposite. I love large bodies of deep and dark water. It’s one of my favorite things about the pier, being able to stand at the end, and stare out into the sea, while reflecting on my life and all that I am grateful for. The waters today, they were magical. The waves were moving away from me and becoming infinitely smaller in the distance.

44. Fear

Fear is something I work on every day. I don’t have any real phobias, per se, but I seem to have a never ending supply of new and unique fears. My doctor calls it “Generalized Anxiety Disorder.” I call it what it is, my brain thinking it can predict the future and preparing me for the worst. It is quite horrible at actually doing any of it.

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The Truth About Fear

Fear = Interest.
Fear ≠ Danger.

In my rational mind, this tracks. My nervous system sure as hell doesn’t have an organized filing system. New, unfamiliar, important, and/or meaningful things all get dumped into the same folder labeled “ALERT!” For most of my life I treated that panicky/anxious sensation like a five-alarm fire, by avoiding it completely, numbing it with alcohol/drugs, or charging straight into chaos.

Now I know better.

That buzzy, uncomfortable sensation simply means something has my attention. So I slow down. I get curious instead of dramatic. I choose safe behavior while my brain catches up with my body. Fear doesn’t mean “abort mission.” Sometimes it just means, “hey, this might actually matter.” I let fear motivate me instead of control me. I let fear drive the changes I may need to make. I even face fears head on by doing things that scare me. My therapist calls this, “Exposure Therapy.”

Be scared and anxious, its normal and expected at times.
Feel your fears.
Fears are just sensations.
Fears are not actually based in present reality.
Fears are based on past events predicting future events that have not happened, and may never happen.
Fears are easy to attach to, and when you do they will rob you of the experiences of the present moment.
Fears will completely pave over your joy and happiness if you let them.

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All that you see out in front of you
Is how you feel inside your head.
And then you think,
“Can I observe the thinker thinking the thoughts?”
So I am worried, and I ought not to worry.
But because I can’t stop worrying,
I’m worried because I worry.
And you see where that could lead to.
That is what we call anxiety.
No amount of anxiety makes any difference to anything that’s going to happen.

Alan Watts

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