RECOVERY, EMOTION, CLARITY, PICTURES, AND TUNES. NO ANESTHESIA. NO BULLSHIT.
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I was diagnosed with Bipolar I in 2007, but the truth is my war with myself started long before that—shaped by childhood trauma, military exposure, toxic relationships, and years of survival-mode coping. I lost jobs, housing, stability, and nearly my sense of self. What changed wasn’t a miracle cure. It was ownership. I got sober. I faced my history head-on. I learned my brain, my trauma, my patterns, and my parts. Recovery, for me, isn’t a finish line—it’s a daily practice of honesty, responsibility, and refusing to disappear. I’m not just what happened to me. I’m who I chose to…
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The last three weeks have kicked my ass. I’m exhausted, restless, anxious, and juggling consequences from years of medications that keep me alive while quietly wrecking my body. Akathisia, brutal side effects, diabetes, sleep apnea, and yet another possible med change—all while quitting cannabis, nicotine, caffeine, energy drinks, and everything else I used to lean on. This is what recovery actually looks like sometimes: choosing the least dangerous path forward when every option sucks. I’m not giving up. I’m adapting. My body finally called bullshit, and now I’m listening. It’s heavy, but I’m still here—and I’m not done.
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Meet Roxy: my fiercest protector and most relentless firefighter. Her job is simple—keep me away from fear at any cost. Her weapon is dopamine. When alcohol and nicotine were taken off the table, she didn’t disappear; she adapted. Food became the new delivery system. What I’m learning is uncomfortable but crucial: addiction doesn’t vanish when you remove a substance, it shape-shifts. This year isn’t just about sobriety or blood sugar or weight—it’s about rebuilding trust with the part of me that learned to survive through stimulation. If I don’t understand why I chase dopamine, I’ll stay owned by it. Recovery,…
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Today marks a powerful turning point in my recovery. One year sober from alcohol, 90 days free from kratom, and nearly a full year without cigarettes. Recovery isn’t about perfection, it’s about honesty, intention, and choosing health over numbness. I’m stepping away from substances that no longer serve me, using harm reduction where needed, and committing to clarity, stability, and a life lived fully awake. This is not the end of a struggle, it’s the beginning of a cleaner, truer baseline.
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2025 is the year I strip everything away to find my true mental health baseline. No alcohol. No cannabis. No kratom. No nicotine. No caffeine. No dopamine chasing. Just me, my brain, and the hard questions I’ve been avoiding for years. I want to know who I am without numbing, without escape, without outsourcing fear management to addiction. Alcohol nearly destroyed my life, my relationships, and my mind. Walking away from it wasn’t moral or virtuous—it was necessary for survival. This isn’t just sobriety. It’s a deep investigation into fear, trauma, chemistry, and healing, and an open invitation to anyone…
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Three years ago, I publicly declared I was thriving—healthier than ever, fewer meds, solid friendships, my kids doing better. Four days later, I was drunk, high, manic, suicidal, psychotic, and locked in a psychiatric ward. That cycle repeated until I finally told myself the truth: sobriety wasn’t a preference, it was the only way forward. On January 13, 2024, I stopped drinking. Choosing sobriety—first from alcohol, then from kratom—became one of the deepest acts of self-love I’ve ever made. Now my goal is simple and radical: to understand my true baseline mental health, without substances distorting it. That clarity feels…
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