Dear Sydnie and Cadence, Merry Christmas. As the holiday season wraps its peaceful, festive air around us, I am reaching out with a heart full of hope and change. This year has been one of profound transformation for me, driven by a deep commitment to therapy and intense treatment for my bipolar disorder. These experiences have not only reshaped my understanding of myself but also how I view our past and the future I hope we can share. I miss you both immensely. The laughter, the shared moments, and even the simplest conversations are memories I cherish deeply. My journey through therapy has opened my eyes to the importance of peace, understanding, and the gentle art of mending what was once broken. This Christmas, my wish is not just for joy and happiness for you both, but for a future where we can reconnect, not as the people we were, […]
Read MorePost Tagged with: "healing"
Unbelievable the horrible shit we teach children
Unbelievable the horrible shit we teach children. Then we get to unravel it all 20-30 years later as adults. For me, after raising children, repeating my parents parenting mistakes, and becoming estranged from my daughters for over a year and a half now. Tonight I learned about Internal Family Systems. Tip of the iceberg though. Really good stuff. **Apologies in advance,but I am going to be more active on social media about this, than I was about Crossfit for a few years.** Listened to a guy recall his mother telling him he was such a good boy for not crying and screaming (having perfectly normal toddler emotions and tantrums). He remembers that from age three. He had “perfect trauma free” upbringing by two well educated parents (professors). He called it the “Leave it to Beaver” family. “Nothing wrong at home.” I thought as I heard him tell the story that […]
Read MoreLet people help you.
A sequence of events over the past few months put me in the hospital on Sunday night. Not because I quit taking meds. But the meds slowly stopped being as effective. Either way the outcome is the same if one ignores an increase in symptoms. A really big breakdown. I had felt signs since early October. I brushed them off. There was no way that I was having a bipolar relapse. Sometime Saturday afternoon, after a beautiful day on Mt. Baker with my closest people, I began isolating myself and turned away help from everyone. Over the next 24 hours I became increasingly intoxicated, paranoid and felt like my life needed to end. Bipolar had full control. The ship was heading nowhere good. I was being really destructive to my partners, friends and family. I was drunk. I desperately needed help. The cops couldn’t get me to open the door. […]
Read MoreBeen a tad bumpy. You aren’t alone.
The last few weeks have been some of the best times of my life. I became closer to an already close friend and have formed a new partnership. My existing partnership continues to get more amazing every day. My heart is so full. 🥰 I had some amazing mental health training. I met some great people on the streets. I walked a 17 mile day and reconnected with another close friend. Broke some personal fitness records. Been spending lots of really good quality time with my partners and friends. Eating better. Sleeping really well. Taking my meds. Feeling hopeful and excited about the future. Exploring new photography stuff. Launched a couple websites. IFS. Job is good. Relationships are solid. The last few weeks have also been a time of real struggle. I quit improv class. Last week on Monday and Tuesday nailed me to the ground. A shame tornado ripped […]
Read MoreThe power and release, of control
“I want to heal my inner child and I can start taking small steps every day. I know of people who have done the work to heal trauma, so it can be possible for me too. I can learn and heal as I figure things out in this new journey. I release my need for perfection and replace it with love and compassion for myself.” – Tukayote, December 2022. Five months later, I am rewording it to “I am firmly on the path of healing my inner child and I continue taking small steps every day to become more secure in myself, and my attachment to others. I know many people doing this work to heal their trauma, and it inspires me to continue doing the same thing for myself. I am learning so much, and healing so many things in this journey. I continue to release my need for […]
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