This first picture was six years ago. That was a “smile”. I wasn’t stoned. I was flat. Emotionless. I was on at least six psychiatric medications including benzos, antipsychotics, and mood stabilizers. Most were at or near the highest dose. They dulled me, numbed me, and flattened me. No happiness. No joy. No glimmer in my eyes. This was some of the darkest times of my life. I struggled with suicidal ideation on a near daily basis. Despite being prescribed a handful of psych meds, my mood was far from stable, nearly anything would set me into a deep and ugly spiral. In the following 2.5 years, it would get much uglier. I would be hospitalized twice. I would experience hallucinations and deep psychosis. I would lose my wife. Then my daughters. Then my friends. My home. My clean criminal record. And one day wake up very alone and scared. […]
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Living With a Dopamine-Deficient Brain: Why Addiction Made Too Much Sense to Me
Most people don’t wake up in the morning thinking about dopamine. I do. For me, dopamine isn’t just a buzzword thrown around in wellness blogs — it’s the invisible tide that shapes my moods, my focus, and my addictions. It’s the reason I can get locked into endless scrolling, chain-smoking in the past, or chasing one more drink. And it’s the reason recovery hasn’t just been about willpower — it’s been about rewiring my whole brain. What It Feels Like to Run Low on Dopamine Imagine starting every day with the volume knob on life turned down. Food tastes dull. Music doesn’t hit the same. Conversations feel muted. It’s not depression exactly — it’s more like existing in grayscale while everyone else seems to live in color. That’s what a chronically low dopamine baseline feels like. So when I found things that lit me up — alcohol, nicotine, kratom, marijuana […]
Read MoreMoral injury
Edit: While this post was focused on veterans like myself, moral injury can occur in many professions including first response, medical care, and in other situations. – When a veteran returns from war, the focus—if there is any—is usually on Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). The trauma from the battlefield is the most visible, the easiest to name. But the deeper damage is often invisible. Underground. It’s the moral injury—a wound many veterans, including myself, carry silently because of what we were asked to do in uniform. Moral injury comes from following orders that violate your core beliefs, values, or ethics. Sometimes there was no real choice—except the threat of court-martial or worse. I will always feel partially responsible for the harm and loss caused by the operations I was part of—especially the pain endured by fellow veterans and the innocent lives caught in the crossfire. PTSD wounded my mind. Moral […]
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