Tukayote Helianthus: Unkillable

RECOVERY, EMOTION, CLARITY, PICTURES, AND TUNES. NO ANESTHESIA. NO BULLSHIT.

Tag: somatic awareness

  • Wish you were here

    Wish you were here

    A quiet moment on the beach turns into a reckoning with grief, not just for people lost, but for the version of myself that disappeared with sobriety. This is about mourning an old identity, honoring what it gave me, and choosing a truer life without pretending the grief ever fully ends.

  • Grateful for these 44 things

    Grateful for these 44 things

    This is a snapshot of gratitude and awareness: 42 things I’m thankful for, unchanged over time, plus two additions that reflect where I am now. Standing at the edge of the water and examining fear itself, I explore how anxiety works, why fear isn’t always a threat, and how learning to observe it has brought…

  • For years I’ve been fighting shadows, trying to “fix” myself through willpower, discipline, or distraction.

    For years I’ve been fighting shadows, trying to “fix” myself through willpower, discipline, or distraction.

    For years, I thought my relentless dopamine chasing was a personal failure. Weak willpower. Poor discipline. Another addiction story. It turns out it was biology. Genetic testing confirmed what I’d long suspected: my brain is wired with significantly fewer dopamine receptors, making “normal” life feel chronically underpowered. That truth changed everything. Recovery stopped being a…

  • What the f*ck is IFS (Internal Family Systems) and why should you care?

    What the f*ck is IFS (Internal Family Systems) and why should you care?

    I didn’t fix myself—I learned how to drive my bus again. Internal Family Systems gave me a language for what was already happening inside: a system of parts, each trying to protect me the only way it knew how. Addiction, anger, fear, and chaos weren’t personal failures; they were passengers fighting for control because they…

  • TL:DR – Love your parts.

    TL:DR – Love your parts.

    This week, I finally stopped arguing with permanence. Not the things I can change—I know that dance well—but the things I can’t. Chronic conditions. Lifelong diagnoses. Bodies and brains that don’t magically “turn around” if I just try harder. In IFS terms, I hit a trailhead where perfection, fear, shame, and denial were all standing…

  • Acceptance. And Uncertainty.

    Acceptance. And Uncertainty.

    Today, I hit a trailhead I couldn’t ignore: my fear of uncertainty. In IFS, it showed up as a very young part—quiet, tense, always bracing—using denial as protection. I’ve spent years fighting diagnoses, circumstances, and history, thinking resistance was strength. It isn’t. Acceptance doesn’t mean approval or giving up; it means stopping the exhausting war…