For years I have masked a heavy dependence on dopamine stimulating activities. Call it what you want…alcohol use disorder, kratom use disorder, substance use disorder, tobacco use disorder, addiction, dependence, etc… All of these are listed in my medical records. One by one, I have been working on redefining my relationships with these things and finding ways to live without them. Its been a real fucking struggle. 653 days without alcohol. 650 days without a cigarette. 379 days without kratom. 8 days without energy drinks. 4 days without marijuana. 2 days without nicotine. And about 10 minutes without caffeine. Im doing the internal work and becoming more and more emotionally sober. I have made peace with the parts of my internal family systems that drive me to use. I am doing everything I can and I still can’t seem to go five minutes without dopamine seeking. I have suspected for […]
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From Fragmented to Whole: My Recovery Journey Since 2007
In 2007, I was diagnosed with Bipolar I Disorder. I didn’t know then that this would be the first of many labels I’d carry—some helpful, some harmful, all trying to explain why my mind didn’t work the way other people’s seemed to. What I did know was that I was already at war with myself, and I hadn’t even realized I was on a battlefield. I was born into a volatile, high-stress environment—a home where emotional safety was rare, and where fear often arrived before love. I grew up hypervigilant, constantly scanning for danger, learning to stay small and quiet to survive. I experienced emotional abuse, neglect, and physical trauma that shaped my developing brain, body, and sense of worth. By the time I left home, I had already learned to expect abandonment and blame myself for everything I couldn’t control. As an adult, I joined the military, hoping for […]
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