Author’s Note:
This essay reflects my personal experiences, internal patterns, and growth across many relationships over time. It is written from my perspective and is not intended to describe, diagnose, or portray any specific individual. Any similarities are coincidental. The focus here is on my behavior, my accountability, and my healing.
NO ANNOUNCEMENT. JUST GONE.
I disappeared. Wait? What?
I vanished. Gone.
404 Error: Page Not Found.
I didn’t slowly drift away. I didn’t “take a break.”
I deleted everything. Permanently. Intentionally. For a reason.
My old website and blog: Gone.
Instagram profiles: Gone.
Facebook profile and pages: Gone.
Threads: Gone.
Flickr: Gone
Vimeo: Gone
YouTube: Gone
LinkedIn: Gone.
Photography website: Gone.
Persona and Performance: Gone.
Thousands of so-called followers: Gone.
“People” have been wondering where the fuck I went. And by “people”, I mean only the few that have even noticed. Which tells me alot.
I left and forward-deployed to a new, emerging, and foreign war with my patterns and behaviors.
I stepped away from nearly everything in my life, especially the god-damned internet, and that was just a step in a very deep-cleaning of myself.
As for me, I’m fine. I’m more than fine. I’m free as a bird. Unstoppable. Unkillable.
Last year, hands down, was the most transformative year of my life. I walked right out of 2025 feeling freedom from a lifetime of burdensome patterns.
2026 is already well on its way to become even more transformative.
Now, my manifesto, take it or leave it:
(But, first, lets cue up a symbolic soundtrack)
I BURNED BRIDGES, ON PURPOSE
My life really needed a big change. The universe abruptly dropped this reality in my lap and said “good luck, you are going to need it.” It was a surprise nobody, even myself, saw coming.
The reality was true—I really was stuck. So I began changing everything in my life.
Drastically. In very unpopular ways.
The changes I made were terribly executed, not going to lie. Terribly timed. Terribly delivered. Terribly received. Terribly upsetting. Terribly destructive. Terribly hurtful.
The unanticipated changes blindsided people, catching them completely off guard and unprepared.
The changes uprooted many of my connections.
The way I made the changes confused and hurt the hell out of a lot of people.
I’m dedicated to being more graceful and thoughtful in how I make changes moving forward. Being aware of how my changes affect others. Lesson learned.
I made a big fucking mess of a lot of things in this process. I know this. I own this. I’m remorseful. I feel guilt about it every day.
It wasn’t without collateral damage and that part will forever suck.
That said, I did purposely burn these bridges to the ground. It was no accident. It was not to intentionally harm others, but to intentionally protect myself.
I’ve been rejected, abandoned, lost a lot love, and lost a lot of special people as a result.
People are permanently gone from my life now. Even though necessary, this realization deeply stings.
I’m walking away from almost everything I used to have and know in my life. Leaving so much behind. For good. Forever.
I’m identifying and changing my patterns. Changing who and what I allow in all aspects of my life now.
I’m severing ties to everything I don’t need anymore.
I’m learning big lessons, and gaining priceless wisdom, from reflecting on a lifetime of decisions that weren’t fully aligned with my wants, needs, values, morals, and ethics. These decisions in my life hurt me, and hurt others, time after time.
They say, “Know better, do better.” That is my only option and mission in life, moving forward.
Doing better for my sake and for the sake of everyone around me.
NO MORE NEGOTIATING AND SETTLING
I don’t negotiate with addiction.
I don’t bargain with poison.
I don’t romanticize what destroys me.
I don’t stay where I’m not safe.
I don’t stay where I’m not respected.
I don’t stay where I’m not valued.
I don’t stay in bad jobs.
I don’t stay in unhealthy relationships.
I don’t stay in situations I’ve outgrown.
I don’t keep access open to people who harm me.
I don’t keep ties to what I already know is wrong for me.
I don’t keep the door cracked for chaos.
I don’t betray myself to avoid discomfort.
I don’t abandon myself to avoid being alone.
I don’t perform to be loved.
I don’t repeat patterns I’ve already paid for.
I don’t ignore lessons life already taught me.
I don’t make excuses for decisions that violated my ethics.
I don’t go back to what I survived.
I don’t return to what cost me my peace.
I don’t rebuild what I burned down for my sanity.
WHEN IT COMES TO ADDICTION, DONE MEANS DONE
I relapsed with cannabis and my body rejected it like a toxin. My last experience scared me to death and resulted in me abruptly and permanently stopping use, and abstaining. Not “maybe.” Not “sometimes.” Not “with moderation.” Not for “fun.” Not for “creativity and insight.”
I’m done using cannabis. My ten year relationship with this drug is completely finished. My nervous system said enough and I finally listened. I threw it away, in a public trash can, for good.
Alcohol, kratom, hallucinogens, inhalants, psychoactive plants, and other intoxicants no longer even tempt me.
Not during heartbreak. Not during loneliness. Not during chaos. Not during pain or depression. Not during grief and loss. And not even during moments of celebration, fun, socialization, happiness, and joy.
They are repulsive and unpalatable. They don’t call my name or seduce me.
They don’t live in my future. They have died in my past.
My sobriety is mine. Mine to maintain. Mine to protect.
Nobody can take it. Nothing can steal it. No event in my life can force a relapse. Ever.
I’m sober because I was finally ready.
And because I’m ready, it’s final.
No drama. No relapse mythology. Just fucking done with it.
A door closing and locking behind me. For good.
And as an added bonus: my sobriety guarantees me no more heavily-intoxicated, embarassing, dangerous, traumatizing, relationship-destroying, mental health emergencies requiring forced sedation and legal, involuntary, commitment in a psychiatric facility.
Two years have passed without one of these God awful events.
I quit drinking two years ago.
Coicidence? I think not.
THAT’S NOT LOVE. THAT’S A DRUG.
And I’m not just sober from chemicals.
I’m getting sober from anything that hijacks my nervous system.
That includes love. I’m detoxing from years of it. I’m becoming emotionally sober.
I’m not available for addictive emotional intoxication.
I’m not available for attachment that turns me into a different person.
I’m not available to people who violate my safety and boundaries.
I don’t confuse intensity with intimacy.
I don’t confuse access with love.
I don’t confuse chemistry with compatibility.
I reject instant love and rapid intimacy..
I reject high-pressure romance.
I reject high-risk sexual demands and behaviors.
I am a slow burner these days. Sometimes too slow for some people. I’m okay with that.
It’s not my problem if they can’t respect my pace.
If someone tries to seduce me with charm, flirts, touch, affection, attention, big promises, commonalities, intimacy, validation, money, status, or whatever delight they dish up:
I don’t melt.
I don’t get hooked.
I don’t surrender for a dopamine and oxytocin hit.
That type of seduction isn’t romance, love, or genuine intimacy. That’s them pushing a drug. Their drug.
A drug I don’t need in my life. Ever.
NO MORE TRADING ONE HIGH FOR ANOTHER
I’m not trading alcohol for adrenaline.
I’m not trading kratom for euphoria.
I’m not trading hallucinogens for supposed enlightenment.
I’m not trading weed for escape.
I’m not trading excessive exercise for disguised self-harm.
And I’m not trading loneliness for a destabilizing situationship.
I don’t chase love and romance.
I don’t chase intimacy.
I don’t chase touch and affection.
I don’t chase approval, validation , and acknowlegment.
I don’t chase people who are not trustworthy.
I don’t chase unpredictable and unstable people.
I don’t build my identity around being wanted.
I don’t build my self-worth around being chosen.
I don’t build intimacy to quiet my traumas.
I choose slow.
I choose earned trust.
I choose actions over words.
I choose consistency over fireworks.
SAFE BEHAVIORS: ALWAYS
And above all: I choose safe behaviors. Always.
Not “usually.”
Not “when I’m in a good mood.”
Not “unless I’m lonely.”
Always.
I choose safe behavior when I’m anxious or mentally unwell.
I choose safe behavior when I’m triggered or angry.
I choose safe behavior when I’m emotional or having big feelings.
I choose safe behavior when I’m jonesin for dopamine.
I choose safe behavior when my hormones are raging.
I choose safe behavior when I’m grieving and missing people.
I choose safe behavior when I am am having fun or celebrating.
I don’t react to impulses, compulsions, cravings, and urges.
I respond intelligently, safely, in integrity and in full control of myself.
I don’t act mindlessly.
I don’t do risky.
I pause and delay the response.
I don’t do self-sabotage in disguise.
ACCOUNTABILITY & THE LAW
I own my history and I refuse to repeat it.
I am accountable for every decision I have ever made.
I don’t dodge them. I don’t rationalize them. I don’t rewrite the story to protect my ego. I don’t craft narratives to dismiss them or deflect them.
I own my decisions and mistakes completely. Even if or when I didn’t know better.
Not just the outcomes, the actual choices. No excuses. No dancing around them. No explaining them away. No dismissing or downplaying them.
I am accountable for the ways my decisions have harmed or hurt others, even in ways I may never know or understand.
Some damage is invisible. Some consequences never make it back to me.
That doesn’t mean these things didn’t happen.
Accountability isn’t a speech. It’s a lifestyle. It’s demonstrated, different, and positive actions.
It’s living in integrity. It’s what I do when nobody’s watching.
It’s how I live. It’s how I move forward. It’s how I choose and decide what I do in each moment and situation.
I am continuously demonstrating ownership and accountability the only way that matters:
By never repeating my patterns.
Not once. Not again. Not ever.
I don’t put myself in unsafe situations.
I remove myself before things escalate or become dangerous.
I ask for and choose space, mentally and physically.
I give space when people ask for it.
I choose to live alone and maintain my sanctuary.
I choose calm and peace.
I choose boundaries.
I choose solutions that don’t destroy lives or harm anyone.
I live in accordance with the actual law.
I have an undeniable conviction from my past. It had concrete evidence. I plead guilty, because I was. I did my house arrest. I completed my probation and domestic violence perpetrator treatment, impeccably. I paid my fines. I didn’t reoffend.
That was then.
This is now.
Now I live differently.
Now I choose accountability.
Now I choose restraint.
Now I choose integrity.
No new crimes.
No repeated harm.
No new acts of domestic violence.
No more violent rages and emotional abuse.
No excuses. No minimization.
No saying “I was provoked.” or “They were being equally abusive.” or “I was intoxicated.” or “It was only a text.” or “It was a bipolar episode.” or “I wasn’t able to control myself.”
That’s all bullshit. It’s denying chosen actions.
PATTERN DEATH
I’m eliminating patterns that have harmed me and others for a lot of my life.
I am eliminating avoidance.
I am eliminating codependency.
I am eliminating rescuing.
I am eliminating not having or keeping boundaries.
I am eliminating anxious attachment issues.
I am eliminating trauma responses.
I am eliminating rebound relationships.
I am eliminating the pattern of bailing people out so they’ll keep loving me.
I am eliminating the pattern of staying silent so I don’t “rock the boat.”
I am eliminating the pattern of settling because I’m afraid of loss.
I am eliminating the pattern of waiting on people to do what they promised to.
I am done being the hero.
I am done being the savior.
I am done being the fixer.
I am done being unreasonably patient.
People can feel their feelings and emotions.
People can face consequences and make amends.
People can learn and grow without me bleeding for them.
People can clean up the messes from their own chaos and destructive decisions.
People can demonstrate their promises by actually keeping them.
NO MORE PERFORMANCES
I no longer perform.
I am no longer living in a persona to please people.
I am no longer auditioning for love.
I am no longer being whatever someone wants me to be to avoid abandonment or rejection.
I don’t perform to avoid loss of love.
I don’t perform to avoid being alone.
If being fully myself makes someone bounce, then they were never my person. I won’t take it personal.
I no longer keep silent about problems.
I speak.
I communicate.
I ask for what I want.
I name my needs.
I set expectations.
I establish boundaries and keep them.
ACCESS DENIED
Access is denied to people who love me with conditions.
Access is denied to people who don’t accept me as I am in this moment.
Access is denied to people who expect me to be always be perfect.
Access is denied to people who continually demand more from me.
Access is denied to people who treat me like I am not enough.
Access is denied to people who minimize or interfere with my progress.
Access is denied to people who do not respect consent and safe behaviors.
Access is denied to people who try to compromise my sobriety.
Access is denied to people who abuse drugs and alcohol in front of me like my recovery is a joke.
Access is denied to people who expect me to pay for their addictions.
Access is denied to people who use me to enable their addictions.
Access is denied to people who repeatedly and knowingly harm themselves and our relationships with their drug/alcohol use and disregard the consequences.
Access is denied to people who use romance, affection, love, sex, attention, money, false promises, gaslighting, manipulation, or guilt as a method of controlling me or using me.
If you steal from me, access is denied.
If you endanger my sobriety, access is denied.
If you endanger my peace, access is denied.
If you disrespect my boundaries, access is denied.
If you don’t keep promises or commitments, access is denied.
If you take more than you give, access is denied.
If you don’t reciprocate my attention, affection, and love, access is denied.
If you require me to shrink, perform, tolerate, or self-abandon, access is denied.
If you do things to me without my consent or permission, access is denied.
If you emotionally or physically abuse me, access is denied.
Access is denied to people who won’t change their harmful behaviors.
If these people were capable of recognizing and changing their harmful patterns and behaviors, they would have already. I’m denying them access to unlimited patience.
I’m done denying people’s true colors when they show them to me. I don’t care if they have been the most amazing person to me for years. If they suddenly become emotionally and physically unsafe, intentionally damage trust, or willfully violate boundaries, I am going to believe their current actions to be who they really are as a person—and deny their access. People who become evil suddenly, and mask their real identities are also denied access.
I’m denying access to people who haven’t earned it.
I’m denying access to people who aren’t safe for or with me.
Im denying access of my property and resources to people who steal or damage them.
I’m denying access to people who haven’t done anything to deserve my trust.
I’m denying access of my empathy to people who knowingly and willfully repeat harmful behaviors.
Access is denied to anyone who doesn’t demonstrate trust and care with holding my heart.
Access to me is earned, not to be expected, and never guaranteed.
SOBER FROM MENTAL POISONS
I’m also sober from mental poisons.
No more social media.
No more dating apps.
No more news.
No more politics.
No more advocacy and publicity.
No more micro-charities.
No more performative volunteering.
Those were my addictions too.
They poisoned my physical health.
They poisoned my mood and deteriorated my mentals.
They poisoned me with anxiety.
They poisoned me with intense stress.
They poisoned my attention and called it “being connected”, “finding love”, “being informed”, or “helping people.”
I don’t need likes, comments, stories, reels and to be “swiped on” to feel connected.
I don’t need outrage to feel alive.
I don’t need doom to feel smart.
I don’t need chaos to feel connected.
I don’t need a spotlight to feel worthy.
I don’t need to rescue to feel like a good person.
I protect my mind and body from poisons like my life depends on it, because it does.
BIPOLAR 1: OWNED & MANAGED
I have a laundry list of mental health conditions.
I am batshit crazy with a doctor’s note to prove it. Plenty of people from my past would vehemently agree.
Sometimes my mental health takes over my life, regardless of how well I manage it, and I still handle my psychiatric shit like a grown ass adult. Because I am one.
I don’t like the challenges one bit and they are always my responsibility.
Moving forward, I am committed to positive choices regarding my mental health:
I manage my addictive urges and maintain sobriety from alcohol and all other mind altering substances.
I take my maintenance meds and supplements, and adjust them when necessary, and always with professional guidance.
I ask for help anytime I’m struggling.
I keep a current safety plan and I use it.
I stay honest with my providers, especially when things began to deteriorate.
I regularly go to therapy and do the challenging work required.
I continually research and educate myself about my conditions.
I protect my sleep like it’s sacred.
I listen to, befriend, and reparent my Internal Family System.
If I need psychiatric hospitalization, I check myself in—no ego, no delay.
I don’t burden my loved ones or friends with managing my mentals or handling crises.
I track my patterns so bipolar (or any of my conditions) don’t get to drive the bus.
I’m not out here spiraling anymore, I’m stabilizing.
I’m not dysregulating anymore, I’m self-regulating.
I’m completely done letting people weaponize my mental health diagnoses against me.
I won’t allow people to gaslight me, using my mental health conditions, when they disagree with me.
Me setting boundaries, speaking my truth, ending performances, aborting rescue missions, cutting off unhealthy relationships, ending patterns, and refusing chaos isn’t “mental illness”, it’s self-respect and recovery.
I will be regulated, grounded, and still say no with my whole chest when I need to. I will say no with a loud enough voice to ensure attention and to be taken seriously.
If someone needs to pathologize my growth as “mental illness” to avoid their own accountability, that’s their coping mechanism, it’s destructive, and it’s not my reality.
And fuck them for trying. Twice.
CLEANING HOUSE
I am cleaning house, not out of anger, but out of self-respect.
I am eliminating everything that doesn’t match the life I’m building:
• addictions and compulsions
• dishonesty and untrustworthiness
• chaos, drama, and instability
• rapidly intensifying love and intimacy
• emotionally unsafe and triggering people
• manipulation and gaslighting
• conditional love and acceptance
• rescuing, people pleasing, and performing
• avoidance, silence, and poor-communication
• mentally erosive environments
I am building a quiet life.
A clean life.
A stable life.
A peaceful life.
And I’m already feeling it:
My life is calmer, happier, more joyful.
I feel much less anxiety, stress, and difficult emotions.
I am less triggered, dysregulated, and impulsively reactive.
I am sleeping A LOT better and feeling more energized.
Cleaning house has meant purposely taking a sharp axe to my social circle. I’m still chopping away.
My close connections have shrank dramatically, almost down to nothing.
It’s not a bad thing. It’s necessary.
It’s not isolation, it’s protection.
It’s honoring myself.
It’s guarding my emotional safety and freedom.
My old friends group wasn’t real community. It was old conditioning, and was comfortably familiar, despite being chaotic, unhealthy, and very triggering.
My previous friends were always trying to drag me back to into their harmful patterns, drama, addictions, a plethora of never ending problems, negativity, and unaddressed traumas.
These former connections only seemed to want a friend who supported them relentlessly and also enabled their bullshit to continue.
Buh bye folks. Adios amigos.
You see, it’s better to have a lonely heart than a repeatedly broken and bruised one.
Now I’m attracting the right people. People who are emotionally safe, and love me as I am, as an imperfect and flawed homosapien.
Once I made space by ending connections with the old, broken community—healthy and safe people started appearing in my life one-by-one—a new unconditionally loving community is forming right in front of my eyes.
This new community is rock solid.
No drama. No chaos. No judgments.
Complete acceptance of me.
Unconditional love and boundaried support.
No pressure to escalate our relationships into anything they are not.
We meet eachother where we are.
I don’t hurt them. They don’t hurt me. Everything is incredibly safe.
This new social circle is the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced.
And the more I heal, the more repulsive the old one becomes. Absolutely disgusting now.
THE DEATH OF WHO I WAS
Here’s the truth: I had a gruesome and slow identity death last year. Not symbolic. Not poetic. Real. The 42 year old shadow stealthily emerged, and I eventually could no longer ignore it. Like a real shadow, it was attached to my feet.
The previous version of me that performed, negotiated, rescued, tolerated chaos, and tried to be wanted and loved died because I killed it.
I watched it die in my own hands with my own eyes. I am still grieving it. This former identity began when I was a little kid, and continued until recently. We were best friends for life. Until we weren’t.
I have also made peace with the former persona. Because that identity wasn’t actually me, it was survival. It was childhood and societal conditioning. It was a protective coping mechanism. It was my traumas wearing a costume that I simply couldn’t wear anymore. It was developed from deep parental wounding.
Ego death is violent. It strips you of the stories you used to hide behind. It takes away all of your excuses. It destroys the fantasy that you can keep your old patterns and still build a new life.
Ego implosion forces you to become someone else, not a “better me” for approval… but the real me for the first time. The real me isn’t popular with the people who loved my former identity.
The person I am now is a big foreign mystery to me, because the old me is all I have ever known and been.
When your ego collapses, you enter a void where you don’t know who you are anymore. You realize you were absolutely nothing without the all the performances and personas you lived in.
Yes, absolutley nothing.
Despite you being absolutely nothing, there are five things you actually have left when your previous identity dies: Truth. Alignment. Freedom. Autonomy. Agency.
These things make you whole. While being absolutely nothing. It’s a true dialectical reality.
Now I’m rebuilding who I am with intention, standards, boundaries, safe behaviors, and integrity.
I’m not trying to impress anybody. I’m not trying to be chosen. I’m not trying to be liked. I’m not trying to be loved. I’m not trying to be attractive.
I’m simply becoming undeniable to myself.
I am not fragile.
I am not weak.
I am not “in recovery” like I’m broken.
I’m rebuilding. I’m evolving and growing. I’m formatting my identity and reinstalling a brand new, untested operating system.
I’m doing gruesome, exhausting, and difficult internal work.
I’m “leveling up” in this video game of life.
I don’t die from hard years.
I don’t fold from heartbreak.
I don’t drink and use drugs over pain and loneliness.
I don’t perform my way into feeling loved.
I don’t let attention become my oxygen.
I don’t run and hide.
I adapt.
I learn.
I become unstoppable.
I’m truly fucking unkillable. I keep crawling back from disasters alive, and stronger.
It’s what I call “cockroach energy.”
I am moving my life forward:
With high standards.
With appropriate boundaries.
With safe behaviors.
With absolute accountability.
With strict discipline.
With total self-respect.
With unending gratitude.
With beautiful imperfections.
With complete grace.
With a better future.
I am improving humanity every day by healing myself and not repeating my destructive patterns—my decisions today ripple out into the world, immediately.
I’m not being selfish, heartless, and crude.
I’m finally being healthy and real.
I’m finally demonstrating trust to myself through self-love, self-respect, and self-protection.
LOVE WITH BOUNDARIES
I am grateful for those who have loved me in the past, those who I have loved, and for those who love me in this moment today.
I am grateful for the real, beautiful moments, and the amazing adventures that I have shared with people throughout in my life, even if these people are no longer journeying with me.
I am moving forward with my life every day, feeling gratitude for everything, even in the hardest moments.
I have never-ending gratitude for the events of the past that are shaping my life today, even the most painful and hurtful ones.
I love people unconditionally, even though I may refuse access. Some people I love close. Some I love from a distance. And some I love best with no-contact, ever again.
I love you, just as you are, whoever you are. I will always want the best for you, no matter what you have done to me or how you have treated me.
I feel joy when you experience joy. I feel love when you experience love. I feel happiness when you experience happiness. I feel pain when you feel pain. I live with compersion, compassion, respect, and empathy for everyone.
I MEANT EVERY WORD
This isn’t a phase.
This isn’t a temporary glow-up.
This isn’t me “trying to do better.”
This isn’t some kind of manic miracle revelation.
This is permanent and real.
I am not asking to be understood or acknowledged.
I am not asking for approval and acceptance.
I am not asking for consent or permission.
I am not asking for you to agree or endorse.
I am not asking for you to like or love me.
I’m not here to be palatable.
I’m here to be aligned.
I’m here to be safe.
I’m here to be sober.
I’m here to be accountable.
I didn’t burn bridges to be dramatic.
I did burn bridges because I had no other choice, and my future was worth it.
Me changing my life is nothing personal. If it feels that way, what you are seeing in me is what you are seeing in yourself. Talk to your therapist about that.
TL:DR
Every word in my manifesto is my truth and reality.
I’m ethically moving my life forward the way I want and need to.
I am protecting myself from harm.
I am treating myself with love and compassion, the same way I treat others.
I’m honoring and preserving who I am at the core.
I’m unkillable and tenaciously alive.
I’m unstoppable in my pursuit of life, freedom, health, and happiness.
My Only Request of You
My legal name is Tukayote Helianthus.
I legally changed it for a very personal reason.
Please be respectful and don’t ask why.
Please stop calling me Matt.
I hate being called that.
Thanks for understanding and cooperating.
The End—You Survived
