I made it 7 days, 23 hours and ten minutes without smoking weed. Last night got the best of me and I succumbed to it. Anxiety was high, and a few minutes later so was I.
Unfortunately my body and brain didn’t like it. At all. My anxiety increased, my pulse was in the low 100s, and I felt miserable in my own body and high at the same time. It was extremely uncomfortable for a few hours. A flashback to last Tuesday when I was in the peak of withdrawal from cannabis. Another bad taste of Marijuana left in my mouth.
This isn’t my first setback/relapse with things I am addicted to. I wasn’t proud. I felt some shame and my most important part “Cowboy” gently nudged me and told me it was OK and he knew that I am trying my best with the resources I have. Shame lifted and I finally fell asleep.
This morning, I awoke with ankle pain. In my aggressively fast walk last night, I injured myself. I wanted so bad to not feel anxious that I turned to feeling pain, in this case the burn of a rapid workout. Normally it turns into endorphins that feel good, last night it didn’t though. I felt more anxious after I got home than before I left. And I went back to Roxy and said, “let’s burn one down.”
Today is a new day. A new opportunity to stop the things that challenge me and continue my path of recovery. Recovery isn’t about perfection, it is about moving forward towards my sobriety goals and the improving of my mental health. It’s about becoming my best self and accepting the things that challenge me.
Sending love to everyone. If you need support on your recovery journey, reach out anytime.
