Been a tad bumpy. You aren’t alone.

by Tukayote HelianthusMental HealthPosted on No Comments

The last few weeks have been some of the best times of my life. I became closer to an already close friend and have formed a new partnership. My existing partnership continues to get more amazing every day. My heart is so full. 🥰

I had some amazing mental health training. I met some great people on the streets. I walked a 17 mile day and reconnected with another close friend. Broke some personal fitness records. Been spending lots of really good quality time with my partners and friends. Eating better. Sleeping really well. Taking my meds. Feeling hopeful and excited about the future. Exploring new photography stuff. Launched a couple websites. IFS. Job is good. Relationships are solid.

The last few weeks have also been a time of real struggle. I quit improv class. Last week on Monday and Tuesday nailed me to the ground. A shame tornado ripped through my soul. I thought it couldn’t feel worse. Then the last shame hurricane pummeled through Wednesday Night and Thursday morning. I talked to a crisis therapist. The eye passed over that afternoon and I thought it was over. The second and strongest wave passed Friday morning, and it devastated everything. My head was left spinning. I literally didn’t see it coming. I thought my world was gone. That was until a friend showed up unexpectedly, and intentionally that afternoon.

On my 199th day without smoking, I had a lit cigarette in my hand, and had already burned a half pack. He had coffee. He was there to check on me. Infact my closest people had been in talks most of the day to try to discern if and what kind of storm had hit me and what to do. I needed help and couldn’t say the words. They knew something was amiss. I was completely out of character.

(I want to share that despite suffering a major mental health challenge, I never became a danger to myself or others. I was never suicidal. I had spiraled with shame into a very hard place. It felt like a crisis that nobody would understand.)

Throughout these dark cold moody fall storms, my tribe has surrounded me with love and compassion. They have lifted me up. They understand pain and suffering. They get me. They remind me that I am still the same person I was before the storm. They emphasize that my core self remains unchanged. And they have let me know through words and actions that storms come and go. And we don’t have to weather them alone. We can weather it together. Joining hands with love and compassion we can survive anything life throws at us.

Struggling? I see you. I hear you. I love you. Let’s chat about it. Let’s #WeatherItTogether ❤️

❤️Tukayote❤️

Parents fighting in front of their kid

Unbelievable the horrible shit we teach children

by Tukayote HelianthusMental HealthPosted on No Comments

Unbelievable the horrible shit we teach children.

Then we get to unravel it all 20-30 years later as adults. For me, after raising children, repeating my parents parenting mistakes, and becoming estranged from my daughters for over a year and a half now.

Tonight I learned about Internal Family Systems. Tip of the iceberg though. Really good stuff.

**Apologies in advance,but I am going to be more active on social media about this, than I was about Crossfit for a few years.** 🤣

Listened to a guy recall his mother telling him he was such a good boy for not crying and screaming (having perfectly normal toddler emotions and tantrums). He remembers that from age three. He had “perfect trauma free” upbringing by two well educated parents (professors). He called it the “Leave it to Beaver” family. “Nothing wrong at home.”

I thought as I heard him tell the story that I was going to hear how positive this was for him. It seemed like a stark contrast to how I was raised. I would be so lucky to have his positive parents.

After all, I grew up hearing, “Shut up or I will give you something to cry about.” And, a real bingo, “Big boys don’t cry.” Not just from my parents, but from extended family and neighbors.

Real bingo? Yeah. This guy and I were both delivered a traumatic message. The SAME EXACT ONE.

“Don’t share your feelings. And definitely don’t show negative emotions. Because it’s bad.”

And because it was declared bad by people who are our trusted protectors, it was internalized as shame whenever I had a normal toddler tantrum. Shame driven tantrums were a part of my teenage development and on through a majority of my adulthood. And they were usually shame triggered. And generated more shame themselves. And lots of family and friend damage. Which generates more shame. A big fucking shame ferris wheel on fire.

Until I got raw, and vulnerable, and open, about it. Brene Brown says that “Vulnerability is the antidote to shame.” I can’t find anything more true for me. And you can’t get real vulnerable until you accept and love yourself as-is–all of your parts are inherently GOOD, even the ones that are failing you at the moment. And then start doing the actual work to heal and reprogram this old thinking.

Unconditional self love is so important. More important than anything. It isn’t easy, especially with shameful programming learned in childhood. But it’s 100% possible.

Is the shame monster on your back? Shoot me a message. Let’s talk. There is hope. ❤️

I love you. As-is. All of you.

Love,

❤️ Tukayote ❤️

Feeling Jealous?

by Tukayote HelianthusMental HealthPosted on No Comments
Jealous? It's inevitable and natural. Dig into the roots of it. Examine your thoughts and feelings. Dig deeper. What is the message you are telling yourself and sending to others? Is it true? Or is it actually envy? Or shame? Or insecurity? Or fear? Or loss? Or something else altogether? Uncover the roots, talk about it, don't sit and stew. Practice self-care and loving yourself.
Jealous? It’s inevitable and natural. Dig into the roots of it. Examine your thoughts and feelings. Dig deeper. What is the message you are telling yourself and sending to others? Is it true? Or is it actually envy? Or shame? Or insecurity? Or fear? Or loss? Or something else altogether? Uncover the roots, talk about it, don’t sit and stew. Practice self-care and loving yourself.

Great read on jealousy, envy, and shame here: https://psychcentral.com/lib/envy-jealousy-and-shame