What the f*ck is IFS (Internal Family Systems) and why should you care?

Tukayote Helianthus

2025-10-18

I have written a few things about IFS and shared a few stories on Facebook and Insta. And by few, I mean probably hundreds over the course of a few years. I have a tendency to not shut up when I discover something that is truly lifechanging. I found a new thing. Well, not new, because parts work (like IFS) has been done in many fashions over the course of history. IFS parts work has shown me how to unwire the unhelpful/unneeded/unnecessary trauma-born responses to triggers, and keep myself regulated and in control of my emotions/feelings. IFS parts work has helped me stop drinking alcohol and walk away from Kratom. IFS parts work has helped me calm down and transform my anger into something that helps me instead of hurting everone.

What the f*ck is IFS (Internal Family Systems) and why should you care?

I’m not going to answer that question directly. Sorry. I love metaphor and analogy and have spent several months developing this one. So please bear with me as I explain what the f*ck IFS actually is and why anyone should care about it.

Let me begin.

Its the year 2020, and you are a bus driver (owner-operator) with 42 years of experience.

You have driven the same route 24/7 for your entire career, and in this fantasy land, you have very consistent mix of passengers who board and deboard at different stops. They are different ages, genders, etc. They tend to not age, despite riding for 42 years on the same route. They all have pretty predictable personalities and behaviors. They all respond in very unique and consistent ways to certain events and situations. Some passengers are scary, taunt you, threaten you, and even hijack the bus at times. These passengers, if left unchecked, will gang up and overthrow the bus. This is a low-barrier transit system, so despite their terrible behavior, they can continue to ride the bus, forever, until you retire. Expected retirement age in this fantasy land is 75 years old. So you have 32 more years of these passengers on your bus.

Sounds awful to be the bus driver. But there I was. Driving one of the scariest buses in the world.

Back to fantasy land. You and your bus are a system. The passengers generate revenue (and sometimes chaos), the mechanics you bring in help keep the bus running and maintained, the security guards you hire help you keep the unruly passengers at bay, and you as the driver must show up every day cool-under-pressure and sober, so that everyone feels safe. If any part of that system is not working correctly, things can get quite ugly until the system is repaired.

Sounds very hard to keep that system even running, day after day. But there I was. Driving a bankrupt, out of control, broken down bus.

We’ll now return, one year later. Passengers were riding, but not paying. They were loud, obnoxious, cruel, and destructive. You let the security guards go because it didn’t seem like they were helping. Same with the mechanics. The bus was always broke, even with them. And you, the driver, you pretty much handed over the bus to the passengers.

You gave up. Hope was lost.

You relegated to sitting in the back of the bus that you had once dreamed of a beautiful future with. The bus was broken, fuel was dangerously low, the business model failing, your best helpers were gone, and you were the owner of what felt like a permanently hijacked bus.

One day, while barely being able to drive the bus, you see a billboard. It says, “Free Bus Repair – Help Students Gain Knowledge, call 999-999-9999 today!” Your bus, after years of disrepair, needed some serious attention. The mechanics you had hired in the past, no longer worked for you. You had nothing to lose by letting some students learn bus repair and possibly fix your bus. You can even learn from the students how to do some of the maintenance yourself.

Two years later, the last of the buzzers and warning lights turned off. You took the drivers seat again, because your bus was like new, and you wanted to keep it that way. BUT, you are still struggling with the passengers. On a cold October morning, you see a billboard. It says, “Free Security Guards – Help Students Gain Knowledge, call 999-999-9999 today!” As with your old mechanics, the security guards you had used before no longer worked for you. At this point in your career, any help with security on the bus was welcome. You could also learn some new ways of dealing with the passengers. It was a total win. Three minutes later, they were on your schedule.

Sounds like things should quickly take a real turn for the better with these free mechanics and security guards, and all of the knowledge they have. But there I was. Driving a mechanically sound bus, with security guards in-training, and a mob of unruly passengers still fighting to grab the steering wheel.

Back to fiction. You had been intoxicated on one thing or another for several years. Your passengers didn’t trust you anymore, let alone any of your security guards. One day, they took control of the bus, and completely wrecked it. Passengers got hurt, you got hurt, and pedestrians that you knew and loved, also got hurt. It was a mess. One of the worst you had experienced in your career.

Sounds horrific, the problems never seem to end. But there I was.

Cut back to reality!

The bus, well, that is me as a human being.

The mechanics, well, they are my doctors and other healthcare providers.

Maintenence, well, that is my medication and self-care activities.

The security guards and their wisdom, well, they are my therapists, peer supports, and trainings I have received.

The passengers, well, they are my feelings and emotions. Parts.

Their triggers, well, those are the events in my life that are difficult for me.

The bus driver, well, that is who I am at the core. Self.

The pedestrians, well, those are my community members (friends, family, and peers).

I was born compassionate, creative, curious, calm, courageous, confident, clear, and connected. As events in life occurred, emotions/feelings were experienced, and certain ones created powerful responses. These responses are hardwired into us, and when anything that feels even remotely close to an uncomfortable feeling arises (triggers), the programmed response occurs. In therapy speak, trauma-responses. In IFS, these emotions/feelings/responses are parts of us. In fantasy land, they are the passengers that we accumulate on our bus route, each with its own personality and behavior.

When the bus crashed a few years ago, I had let my parts/feelings/emotions overwhelm me. I was heavily intoxicated. I had been neglecting my health in many ways. I had just discovered Internal Family Systems work a few weeks prior and had yet to integrate it into my life. It couldn’t have entered my life at a better time, to be honest.

What the f*ck is IFS?

From Psychology.com:

Internal Family Systems (IFS) is an approach to psychotherapy that identifies and addresses multiple sub-personalities or families within each person’s mental system. These sub-personalities consist of wounded parts and painful emotions such as anger and shame, and parts that try to control and protect the person from the pain of the wounded parts. The sub-personalities are often in conflict with each other and with one’s core Self, a concept that describes the confident, compassionate, whole person that is at the core of every individual. IFS focuses on healing the wounded parts and restoring mental balance and harmony by changing the dynamics that create discord among the sub-personalities and the Self.

IFS was developed by psychologist Richard Schwartz. In his work as a family therapist, Schwartz began to observe patterns in how people described their inner lives: “What I heard repeatedly were descriptions of what they often called their “parts”—the conflicted subpersonalities that resided within them,” Schwartz says. He began to conceive of the mind as a family, and the parts as family members interacting with one another. Exploring how these components functioned with one another was the foundation for IFS and the idea of the core Self.

For me, IFS is a self-love practice. <3

IFS has been tested and proven to be effective in helping people navigate really difficult emotions, feelings, traumas, and take control of their responses to triggers. It is a therapy you can teach yourself and do on your own. For me, it has become an emotional language that I now understand and speak.

I vowed two years ago to never show up to the hospital intoxicated in a mental health crisis again. It has required developing a relationship and TRUST with each of my passengers. It has required that I feel my feelings (get to know the passengers inside and out) and that I mentor the passengers to respond to their triggers differently. It has required complete abstinence from alcohol and kratom. It has required coordination between the bus driver, security guards, mechanics, AND the passengers. My emotions, feelings, triggers, and physical/mental health are all part of my Internal Family System. When any part of the system is not well, the entire system becomes vulnerable. I don’t get to choose my feelings, emotions, or triggers. I cannot erase my history. All I can do is learn how to respond to these inputs in a different way.

I have learned some important things from my passengers. They are all very protective. Their actions and responses, in their minds, have been to protect their safety on my bus. Sometimes they feel like they need to drive in order to protect themselves. Some passengers respond in childish ways. None of my passengers are bad, they just have unmet needs for safety and love. As I begin to shift my focus from hating the passengers, to loving them and learning about their gifts, I shift from a place of hating my bus to loving it. As trust is developed and demonstrated with my parts, I worry less about my passengers and finally get to enjoy the drive.

Do you have parts? Is there an inner-self critic that loves to tear you down? Is there a playful inner child that doesn’t get to come out? Is there an addictive part? Or a part that always wants to help others? Or is there a mob of parts throwing a party at your expense? I have discovered all of these and more, in my Internal Family System.

Why should anyone care about IFS?

When you realize that everyone has a bus full of unique passengers, life starts to transform and become easier. You stop taking things so personal. I stopped asking myself, “What the f*ck is wrong with me?” and instead now ask “How can I help this part live with me in my present life?” I also stopped asking, “What the f*ck is wrong with other people?” and instead view them as a system of parts with Self at the core.

As my mentor and peer Axel Blackwell, told me, “IFS could change the world.” One part at a time, I am changing my world and hopefully others’ worlds too!

Internal Family Systems parts-work is a life-changing therapy modality that I will forever be excited to use in my life and share with others. I would love to talk parts with you and help you gain a better understanding of your emotions, feelings, responses, and triggers.

Here are some resources to get started:

TLDR: Love yourself!

-Tukayote