Five days ago, I started a new journey. Not up this mountain, but inside my own mind.
For years, I’ve lived with akathisia, a tormenting restlessness caused by the medication I take for bipolar disorder. Imagine fight-or-flight trapped in your body, running on repeat without an off switch. It’s so unbearable that, for many, it leads to suicide. For me, it led to alcohol, kratom, and cannabis. Right now, cannabis is the only thing that eases it, and I’m exhausted from needing it just to get through most days.
The same medication has also been working against me in other ways—wrecking my metabolism, cholesterol, and diabetes management. No matter how hard I’ve fought with diet and lifestyle changes, it’s been an uphill climb with a boulder on my back.
So I finally asked my doctor for help. Five days ago, we began a new medication, one that doesn’t carry the same side effects. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t afraid. Medication changes are unpredictable. They can bring stability, or they can unravel you. My doctor knows this risk well, so for now, I’m on both the old and the new until we’re confident the new one takes hold. The plan is two months—then we taper off the problem med for good.
When that happens, I’ll return to a goal I set last December: tapering off cannabis, so I can finally understand what my mental health looks like without substances clouding the picture.
Even though I started this change just before a long, hot lookout shift, it’s gone surprisingly smooth. No side effects, no complaints. I’ve still got about seven weeks before I reach a therapeutic dose, but so far, the ground feels steady.
This weekend at the lookout has been exactly what I needed—a quiet place to observe my body, rest my mind, and trust the process.
I hope your weekend gave you a little peace too.
❤️