8 Miles: One Intentional Walk

8 miles. One intentional walk. A head full of gratitude. Tonight I set out with a clear purpose: to think about what’s right, what’s going well, and what I’m grateful for in this life I get to live. The list was long — really long — but right at the top? My people. My family. My kids. My partner. My friends. My followers. My supporters. You. Along the way, I crossed paths with many souls — some in person, some through phone calls. But the last person I met tonight was someone special: a relatively new friend and peer. A gentleman without a home, living on the streets of Bellingham. He’s older, his body worn down by disability and chronic pain. He’s navigating addiction, alcohol, and deep scars from a life that’s been relentlessly hard. You could see in his posture, in the way he moved, that tonight wasn’t easy […]

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300 days ago, I broke up with my drug dealer.

300 days ago, I broke up with my drug dealer. It wasn’t some shady guy in an alley — it was a plant in a shiny package. Kratom. Mitragyna speciosa. Marketed as “natural,” “safe,” even “healing.” I bought the lie. At first, it lifted my mood. Took the edge off the pain. Gave me energy. Then, without realizing it, I was owned. My brain’s opioid receptors were chained to it. I wasn’t just using kratom — kratom was using me. The withdrawals were savage. Anxiety that felt like my skin was on fire. Sleepless nights. My body shaking. My mind screaming for just one more dose. It was no different from opioid withdrawal. And yet… Facebook and Instagram still show me kratom ads. The industry still calls it “safe.” Still wraps addiction in a wellness label. Still tells desperate people like me it’s harmless. It’s not harmless. It’s not “just […]

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Ever feel hijacked by your emotions?

Ever feel hijacked by your emotions? Like you know it’s not helpful, but you still do the thing anyway? Yeah. Me too. For me, it’s food—especially the kind that spikes my blood sugar. Tonight, after a rough day of unexpected neck pain, I gave in to a craving for tortilla chips. Just a handful… and then some. Now? My blood sugar’s going to be wrecked for a few days. This is what emotional urges do. They feel urgent. And sometimes, they win. But there’s a tool from Dialectical Behavior Therapy that I try to keep in my back pocket— Opposite Action. It’s simple. Not easy. But powerful. You do the opposite of what your emotion is telling you to do. Feel like isolating? Call someone. Anxious and want to avoid? Show up anyway. Craving junk food? Choose something that supports your health instead. Tonight, I didn’t use Opposite Action. And […]

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Exit 41: A Journey Toward Emotional Sobriety

One month ago, I (in my normal dance party fashion) Irish-goodbyed the IT sector—and my colleagues—following a profound realization that had been building for years. It all came to a head during a late Thursday afternoon phone call. In the span of five bizarre minutes, my integrity, ethics, and values were questioned. I was being unfairly judged. Again. The moment I hung up, I felt physically ill. I’ve spent decades working across industries, and I’ve put up with a lot. But I’m 41 now—physically and emotionally exhausted just trying to maintain my health. Continuing to tolerate conditions that undermine that effort? That’s for the birds. What finally clicked that day was this: I’m on a quest for emotional sobriety. And staying in the IT sector—especially with my previous employer—was threatening to destroy the progress I’ve made. It no longer mattered that the job paid well, had great benefits, incredible customers, […]

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Moral injury

Edit: While this post was focused on veterans like myself, moral injury can occur in many professions including first response, medical care, and in other situations. – When a veteran returns from war, the focus—if there is any—is usually on Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). The trauma from the battlefield is the most visible, the easiest to name. But the deeper damage is often invisible. Underground. It’s the moral injury—a wound many veterans, including myself, carry silently because of what we were asked to do in uniform. Moral injury comes from following orders that violate your core beliefs, values, or ethics. Sometimes there was no real choice—except the threat of court-martial or worse. I will always feel partially responsible for the harm and loss caused by the operations I was part of—especially the pain endured by fellow veterans and the innocent lives caught in the crossfire. PTSD wounded my mind. Moral […]

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YOLO

Pre-ink (stencil) vs 3 years later. The tattoo that nearly hospitalized and could’ve killed me. “YOLO” Well, at the time I was two weeks and roughly 3000 miles away from home on a 15kmi road trip and landed up in New Orleans, in a hotel a block away from Bourbon Street. I heard Bourbon Street was insane. And found it to be true. Within minutes of stepping onto that street, I had secured cigarettes, weed, and alcohol. And once I had a drink in my hand, was offered nearly every drug you could think of before I reached the end of the street. I just wanted to unwind with a joint and a “hand grenade” cocktail…these folks were doing hardcore shit. It was quickly overwhelming and I was dead tired from driving from Austin, TX so I called it a night. The next morning I got up, found beighnets and […]

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Whatcom County’s Response to Heat and Smoke? Silence.

For over a year, I’ve been asking Whatcom County and City of Bellingham leaders a set of simple, urgent questions about how they plan to respond to extreme heat and wildfire smoke—conditions that are becoming more frequent and more deadly every summer. As the founder of Operation Water Drop, I see firsthand the people most affected by our climate emergencies: unhoused residents, elders in poorly ventilated apartments, those without transportation, and individuals with chronic illness. These are the folks most likely to die during a heatwave or suffer from long-term respiratory damage due to wildfire smoke. Despite this, there are still no clearly defined thresholds for when cooling or clean air shelters are activated in Whatcom County. No public policy. No clear plan. No communication strategy. Just volunteers scrambling in 80+ degree heat to fill the gaps. What I Asked Here are the questions I’ve asked, repeatedly, since June 2024: […]

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Follow-Up to Whatcom/Bellingham Leaders: No Response on Cooling Center Plans Ahead of Dangerous Heat

From: Tukayote Helianthus <emailme@tukayote.com>Date: Friday, July 11, 2025 at 07:26To: mayorsoffice@cob.org <mayorsoffice@cob.org>, ccmail@cob.org <ccmail@cob.org>, hestone@cob.org <hestone@cob.org>, hahuthman@cob.org <hahuthman@cob.org>, dchammill@cob.org <dchammill@cob.org>, Cotton, Jace A. <jacotton@cob.org>, ehwilliams@cob.org <ehwilliams@cob.org>, laanderson@cob.org <laanderson@cob.org>, mlilliquist@cob.org <mlilliquist@cob.org>, council@co.whatcom.wa.us <council@co.whatcom.wa.us>, CFrazey@co.whatcom.wa.us <CFrazey@co.whatcom.wa.us>, kgallowa@co.whatcom.wa.us <kgallowa@co.whatcom.wa.us>, bbuchana@co.whatcom.wa.us <bbuchana@co.whatcom.wa.us>, tdonovan@co.whatcom.wa.us <tdonovan@co.whatcom.wa.us>, tbyrd@co.whatcom.wa.us <tbyrd@co.whatcom.wa.us>, kkershne@co.whatcom.wa.us <kkershne@co.whatcom.wa.us>, belenbaa@co.whatcom.wa.us <belenbaa@co.whatcom.wa.us>, DTanksle@co.whatcom.wa.us <DTanksle@co.whatcom.wa.us>, ssidhu@co.whatcom.wa.us <ssidhu@co.whatcom.wa.us>, Jon Scanlon <jscanlon@co.whatcom.wa.us>Subject: Follow-Up: No Response on Cooling Center Plans Ahead of Dangerous Heat Dear Bellingham and Whatcom County Officials, I am following up on my previous emails dated June 2, 2024, and June 3, 2025, regarding the urgent need for cooling centers as we approach another dangerously hot week. As of today, I have not received a response to the email on June 3, 2025 nor have I seen any public announcements regarding emergency cooling center availability for next week. Forecasted highs in the mid-80s—combined with direct sun and humidity—pose serious and well-documented health risks, especially to our unhoused […]

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Open Letter to Whatcom/Bellingham Leaders – Emergency Hot Weather Cooling Centers

From: Tukayote Helianthus <emailme@tukayote.com>Sent: Tuesday, June 3, 2025 10:43:18 AMTo: mayorsoffice@cob.org <mayorsoffice@cob.org>; ccmail@cob.org <ccmail@cob.org>; hestone@cob.org <hestone@cob.org>; hahuthman@cob.org <hahuthman@cob.org>; dchammill@cob.org <dchammill@cob.org>; Cotton, Jace A. <jacotton@cob.org>; ehwilliams@cob.org <ehwilliams@cob.org>; laanderson@cob.org <laanderson@cob.org>; mlilliquist@cob.org <mlilliquist@cob.org>; council@co.whatcom.wa.us <council@co.whatcom.wa.us>; CFrazey@co.whatcom.wa.us <CFrazey@co.whatcom.wa.us>; kgallowa@co.whatcom.wa.us <kgallowa@co.whatcom.wa.us>; bbuchana@co.whatcom.wa.us <bbuchana@co.whatcom.wa.us>; tdonovan@co.whatcom.wa.us <tdonovan@co.whatcom.wa.us>; tbyrd@co.whatcom.wa.us <tbyrd@co.whatcom.wa.us>; kkershne@co.whatcom.wa.us <kkershne@co.whatcom.wa.us>; belenbaa@co.whatcom.wa.us <belenbaa@co.whatcom.wa.us>; DTanksle@co.whatcom.wa.us <DTanksle@co.whatcom.wa.us>; ssidhu@co.whatcom.wa.us <ssidhu@co.whatcom.wa.us>; Jon Scanlon <jscanlon@co.whatcom.wa.us>Subject: Re: Inquiry on Emergency Hot Weather Cooling Centers Dear Bellingham and Whatcom County Leaders, My name is Tukayote Helianthus, a Bellingham resident, certified peer supporter, and founder of Operation Water Drop—a grassroots initiative that has distributed over 60,000 bottles of water to unhoused and water-insecure residents across Whatcom County since its inception. I am writing with serious concern regarding the forecasted high temperatures this weekend in Bellingham and throughout Whatcom County. With predicted highs in the 80s in some locations and potentially hazardous heat index levels due to humidity and sun exposure, the risk of heat exhaustion […]

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From Fragmented to Whole: My Recovery Journey Since 2007

In 2007, I was diagnosed with Bipolar I Disorder. I didn’t know then that this would be the first of many labels I’d carry—some helpful, some harmful, all trying to explain why my mind didn’t work the way other people’s seemed to. What I did know was that I was already at war with myself, and I hadn’t even realized I was on a battlefield. I was born into a volatile, high-stress environment—a home where emotional safety was rare, and where fear often arrived before love. I grew up hypervigilant, constantly scanning for danger, learning to stay small and quiet to survive. I experienced emotional abuse, neglect, and physical trauma that shaped my developing brain, body, and sense of worth. By the time I left home, I had already learned to expect abandonment and blame myself for everything I couldn’t control. As an adult, I joined the military, hoping for […]

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