2025 will be the year that I discover my mental health baseline. I get to finally find the answer to some important questions about myself: For all but the first 13 days of this year I have been sober from alcohol and it has been challenging, especially at first. I didn’t just quit drinking alcohol, I also quit doing things that lead me to drinking, like partying. I learned a few months ago that in 2022/2023, I had been to the Wild Buffalo over 94 times (thank you Google Timeline). Each time I was good for 4-5 drinks. 60ish gallons of booze. Half a gallon a week. That’s on top of visiting 2-3 breweries a week. I was doing this dance with a known depressant and carcinogenic substance (alcohol) while fighting depression, bipolar disorder, and complex PTSD. I was mixing it with my psychiatric medications. It was a bad combination […]
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I made it 7 days, 23 hours and ten minutes without smoking weed
I made it 7 days, 23 hours and ten minutes without smoking weed. Last night got the best of me and I succumbed to it. Anxiety was high, and a few minutes later so was I. Unfortunately my body and brain didn’t like it. At all. My anxiety increased, my pulse was in the low 100s, and I felt miserable in my own body and high at the same time. It was extremely uncomfortable for a few hours. A flashback to last Tuesday when I was in the peak of withdrawal from cannabis. Another bad taste of Marijuana left in my mouth. This isn’t my first setback/relapse with things I am addicted to. I wasn’t proud. I felt some shame and my most important part “Cowboy” gently nudged me and told me it was OK and he knew that I am trying my best with the resources I have. Shame […]
Read MoreA day of anxiety waves and cravings
A day of anxiety waves and cravings. Alot of parts involved. Had some boundaries violated recently and I had to stand my ground. That is so much easier said than done. Parts were afraid, anxious, on edge, restless, you know…kinda like last Tuesday. But much lower. Decided to “walk the war out of my system”. Moving 2560 pounds of water earlier wasn’t enough already. Broke a new mile record walking tonight of 14:06 or 4.26mph. I pushed painfully hard tonight. It’s what my body was craving. Also know as an escape from anxiety. That’s what is behind every single craving I have ever had. An anxiety/fear part that my dear part Roxy fiercely protects (with addictive behaviors). Problem is. Roxy is dopamine girl. Roxy is worn out. She tired of “needing” dopamine hits to get by. She is an important part of me. And part of my 2025 goals is […]
Read MoreFollow Up: The Inhumanity of Encampment Sweeps and 32F Shelter Thresholds
Dear Whatcom County and Bellingham City Leaders, This email serves as a follow-up to my November 21 letter (included below), which has yet to receive any response. The deafening silence on these critical issues is deeply troubling, especially as winter deepens and the urgency to protect our community’s most vulnerable residents grows. My earlier letter highlighted the need to raise the winter weather shelter operating threshold to 40°F and to end the harmful practice of encampment sweeps during cold weather. These are not abstract concerns—they are matters of life and death for hundreds of individuals in our community. The lack of engagement from city and county leadership on these issues is both disheartening and unacceptable. Critical Concerns 1. The Human Cost: The planned removal of 75–100 individuals from the Bakerview encampment in January, without adequate shelter alternatives or long-term housing solutions, is cruel and counterproductive. Displacing individuals during the […]
Read MoreThree Years Ago
Three years ago I posted: “I love working my second job as a chef. I am the healthiest that I have ever been. My daughters are doing so much better. I have the best group of friends. I am making huge gains with my emotional health (50% less medication).” Yeah, I had decreased my own medication. Four days later I would arrive at the hospital, drunk, high, manic, suicidal and psychotic. I would soon be committed to the psych ward and deemed a flight risk and threat to myself. I was already in the beginning stages of the most wonderful feelings of mania, and I was self-medicating to keep from feeling its dangerous side. Nine days later, I was discharged and back on medications. When I came home, I found my apartment empty. My daughters were gone. They had enough of the psychosis and roller coaster of hell I put […]
Read More341st Day Without Alcohol
About two hours and several drinks later, I found myself on the ground in the Columbia neighborhood at 2AM, bleeding from my knees. In my drunk 7 mile walk home from work, I took a major fall. I was in so much pain that I called an Uber to drive me the rest of the way home. It would be two more years and two more intoxicated ER psych visits before I finally realized the grip alcohol had on me. I will learn in a few weeks what damage alcohol and my fall may have had on my brain. Today is my 341st day without alcohol. You struggling with booze? I see you. I have been there. I love you and don’t judge you. There is a better way. I can give you the resources and support you need. Please reach out anytime
Read MoreHere I am tonight.
Well here I am tonight. Hopefully not for long. I have debated sharing this because it is a bit embarrassing and deeply personal. But I also hate stigma around mental and substance challenges — I share it all so others struggling may have a voice. I see you! Anxiety got the best of me today and I called a nurse line and they told me to go to the VA hospital. By the time I arrived, the walkin mental health clinic was closed so the next option was the ER. Remaining transparent, this anxiety has been around for years and years. Since childhood. I have used many addictions to numb it and make it manageable. And at the end of the day, anxiety will always find a way back. Cannabis was one of the best reliefs I had from anxiety until I stopped smoking it on Sunday night to prepare […]
Read More32F – No low barrier winter weather shelter open
Freezing outside. Misting too. No low barrier winter weather shelter is open Why? Because it has to be forecasted days in advance that temperature will be below 32F for a minimum of four hours. Real time weather events do not matter. Anyone else tired of watching people suffer in the cold because of this kind of government bureaucracy?
Read MoreBellingham and Whatcom Leaders – Raise Shelter Threshold & End Harmful Sweeps
To: mayorsoffice@cob.org <mayorsoffice@cob.org>, ccmail@cob.org <ccmail@cob.org>, hestone@cob.org <hestone@cob.org>, hahuthman@cob.org <hahuthman@cob.org>, dchammill@cob.org <dchammill@cob.org>, ehwilliams@cob.org <ehwilliams@cob.org>, laanderson@cob.org <laanderson@cob.org>, mlilliquist@cob.org <mlilliquist@cob.org>, Council <council@co.whatcom.wa.us>, CFrazey@co.whatcom.wa.us <CFrazey@co.whatcom.wa.us>, kgallowa@co.whatcom.wa.us <kgallowa@co.whatcom.wa.us>, bbuchana@co.whatcom.wa.us <bbuchana@co.whatcom.wa.us>, tdonovan@co.whatcom.wa.us <tdonovan@co.whatcom.wa.us>, tbyrd@co.whatcom.wa.us <tbyrd@co.whatcom.wa.us>, kkershne@co.whatcom.wa.us <kkershne@co.whatcom.wa.us>, belenbaa@co.whatcom.wa.us <belenbaa@co.whatcom.wa.us>, DTanksle@co.whatcom.wa.us <DTanksle@co.whatcom.wa.us>, ssidhu@co.whatcom.wa.us <ssidhu@co.whatcom.wa.us>, jcotton@cob.org <jcotton@cob.org>Subject: Raise Shelter Threshold & End Harmful Sweeps Dear Whatcom County and Bellingham City Leaders, I am writing to implore Whatcom County and the City of Bellingham governments to work together to raise the winter weather shelter operating threshold to 40°F, including wind chill, whichever is lower. I also urge you to end the counterproductive practice of sweeping homeless encampments during cold weather and to prioritize evidence-based solutions to address the fentanyl crisis. These interconnected issues require compassion, collaboration, and long-term planning—not punitive measures that worsen the challenges faced by our community. The Risks of the Current Shelter Threshold The current shelter threshold of 32°F does not account for the compounded dangers […]
Read MorePlease carry Narcan (naloxone)
Not even twelve hours ago I was a first responder to an overdose. He was a middle aged man with beard and glasses. Average attire for the weather. Found him nearly face down on the corner under the Northgate TLink Station. Unresponsive. Another woman (medically trained) got out of her car, joined me and proceeded to check his vitals and help open his airway. I administered four doses of narcan in what felt like hours of time. About fifteen minutes later help arrived from the fire department. Before they arrived, he stopped breathing several times and his eyes rolled back. His life was disappearing in front of my eyes. Limp and lifeless I pleaded with him to breathe and not fucking die. Please not tonight. I can’t start the year holding a dead person. As soon as we transferred his care to the medics, he stirred and suddenly sat up. […]
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