I often tell people when they ask me what I am grateful for, that I am exceptionally grateful that I was able to open my eyes this morning and have a brand new day full of opportunities and potentials. A day that has not been “ruined” or “messed up”. A fresh blank canvas of time that I can choose to explore with optimism and positivity–or I can waste. But at the end of the day, I can’t go back and change it. It is history at that point. So keeping this post simple. Today is a great day to go after your dreams, do something that scares or challenges you, learn something new, make a fresh connection with someone, to love ourselves, to tell others what we love about them, and to find gratitude in having a heart that is still beating. I love you and hope you are having […]
Read MoreBlog
Never a dull moment with Chantix.
Trigger Warning: Suicidal ideation Yesterday, I was suddenly consumed with wanting to die. I got out my toolset of things to do to cope with the suicidal ideation (it isn’t a new thing, but it is not common anymore these days) and started using them. I tried writing a blog about self-love. I tried drawing. I cleaned my desk. I listened to music. I went for a walk. I tried watching TV. I tried CBD/CBG. I googled “suddenly suicidal” and stared at the first page full of crisis phone numbers to call. I thought about reaching out to a friend or loved one, but I was telling myself, “you aren’t going to do it even though you are feeling the thoughts. The thoughts will pass and nobody will be the wiser and you can talk to your doctor about it tomorrow.” So then I decided to go for a drive […]
Read MoreLove yourself. For realz.
How many times per day do you say “I love you” to yourself or practice some form of self-love? At one point in my life, the answer was simply, “ZERO.” I didn’t. I did the exact opposite and told myself all the ways in which I was unlovable, imperfect, flawed, broken, horrible, unworthy, and helpless. For almost my entire life up until the past few years when I realized that most of those negative and self-destructive thoughts were completely false. I, like you, am LOVABLE and LOVED, am NOT broken, am NOT horrible, am NOT unworthy, and am NOT helpless. If you noticed, I skipped the word “flawed” because (like you) I have my flaws but they do not make me a bad person or unlovable. My flaws and imperfections not only DO NOT define me, but infact they are perfectly normal. Because nobody is perfect, including you. Can you […]
Read MoreFuck Nicotine
Jesus. Monday will be three weeks without a cigarette. Four days without nicotine. It’s a wonder that I haven’t had a real breakdown. My app says that I got 24 hours of my life back already. And I have saved $200. Its adding up. And now I have some mental capacity to try to understand why I smoked. And it’s simple, it’s an escape from discomfort. Everytime I pick it up the habit again, it’s been after a conflict or abuse. Everytime I light back up after quitting, it’s because someone hurt me. I get hurt and I relapse. Now that’s something I can process and work with. Why do I go there (cigarettes) instead of to something else, hopefully healthier? That’s the question I am now asking myself, and it’s a deep dig. After twenty years of smoking, there are layers to dig through for these answers. After a […]
Read More