Addiction

What the f*ck is IFS (Internal Family Systems) and why should you care?

by Tukayote Helianthus 2025-10-18 in Addiction, Mental Health, Recovery and Healing

I have written a few things about IFS and shared a few stories on Facebook and Insta. And by few, I mean probably hundreds over the course of a few years. I have a tendency to not shut up when I discover something that is truly lifechanging. I found a new thing. Well, not new, because parts work (like IFS) has been done in many fashions over the course of history. IFS parts work has shown me how to unwire the unhelpful/unneeded/unnecessary trauma-born responses to triggers, and keep myself regulated and in control of my emotions/feelings. IFS parts work has helped me stop drinking alcohol and walk away from Kratom. IFS parts work has helped me calm down and transform my anger into something that helps me instead of hurting everone. What the f*ck is IFS (Internal Family Systems) and why should you care? I’m not going to answer that […]

TL:DR – Love your parts.

by Tukayote Helianthus 2025-10-10 in Addiction, Mental Health, Recovery and Healing

per·ma·nence /ˈpərm(ə)nən(t)s/ noun The state of lasting or remaining unchanged indefinitely. The Serenity Prayer, an important part of 12 step programs, says, “ God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference.” This past week, I hit a wall with my parts. They were polarized. One part wanted acceptance and the other part wanted to reject reality. Of what? For me, it isn’t accepting things I can change. I have mastered asking myself that question. It is the bigger question, have I accepted things I cannot change? Or am I believing a big myth that (insert thing here) will get better? Am I staring at a long downward trend, convincing myself it’ll turn around any day now? Metaphorically speaking, am I watching a very hungry cougar stalk me on the trail and believing that […]

The thing that frustrates me to no end with bipolar disorder

by Tukayote Helianthus 2025-09-27 in Addiction, Mental Health, Recovery and Healing

The thing that frustrates me to no end with bipolar disorder is never being able to trust good feelings. Because it might be mania. And it might even be mixed with depression. And it might even be cycling rapidly. Or it’s just a good feeling. A normal, everyday good feeling. The kind everyone enjoys. Without worries. I rarely feel big excitement because its interlaced with fear of mania. Mania of all forms, especially hypomania, or hypomania mixed with depression, presents big challenges in my life. Often in gift wrapped glitter bombs. The glitter finds its way into everything. The universe brought me this chart today. It is helping me recognize some hypomanic things that I have not been paying attention to. It’s helping me understand my recent behaviors, make adjustments to my path of travel, and to repair what needs repair. It also means that the good feelings weren’t real. […]

28 days into a psychiatric medication change.

by Tukayote Helianthus 2025-09-16 in Addiction, Mental Health, Recovery and Healing

So far so good…if you only care about stability. No changes in my mood. Im generally happy, not feeling depressed. Normal anxiety. Same akathisia. Nothing bouncing around. Well…except my physical energy and dopamine. On a “good” day, I struggle with energy and dopamine. This new medication, at least with the upward titration side effects, is just trashing my physical energy and dopamine, unless I supplement it. I used to supplement with cigarettes and alcohol and kratom. Now I am down to caffeine and a nicotine vape. I hate them both. Throughout my recovery journey, I have weened myself off almost every dopamine souce, including energy drinks. And it just makes it even worse. Caffeine and nicotine are a lifeline while I wait out this medication titration. I am so physically tired, and mentally drained of dopamine. Energy drinks to the rescue. “I thought you were stable, why change meds?” Laced […]

“Holy shit, your hair is thinning…”

by Tukayote Helianthus 2025-08-31 in Addiction, Mental Health, Recovery and Healing

That’s what she said. Not a stranger. Not a bully. Jessica. She lives in my head. If you’ve never had an unexpected roast session from your own reflection, try this: Stand in front of a mirror. Or take a selfie. Stare at it for just a beat longer than usual. Then listen. Who shows up? For me, it’s Jessica. She’s the voice in my head who thinks she’s helping by pointing out everything that might be “wrong.” She’s sharp. Sarcastic. Sounds like she’s in her early 20s and just finished a Communications degree with a minor in Passive Aggression. In IFS (Internal Family Systems), we’d call her a “part”, a protector. But I call her Jessica. It just… fits. For a long time, Jessica was exhausting. She commented on everything: My body. My choices. My relationships. My awkwardness. My posture. My grocery cart. She was relentless. So I did what […]

The next mental health mountain climb

by Tukayote Helianthus 2025-08-24 in Addiction, Mental Health, Recovery and Healing

Five days ago, I started a new journey. Not up this mountain, but inside my own mind. For years, I’ve lived with akathisia, a tormenting restlessness caused by the medication I take for bipolar disorder. Imagine fight-or-flight trapped in your body, running on repeat without an off switch. It’s so unbearable that, for many, it leads to suicide. For me, it led to alcohol, kratom, and cannabis. Right now, cannabis is the only thing that eases it, and I’m exhausted from needing it just to get through most days. The same medication has also been working against me in other ways—wrecking my metabolism, cholesterol, and diabetes management. No matter how hard I’ve fought with diet and lifestyle changes, it’s been an uphill climb with a boulder on my back. So I finally asked my doctor for help. Five days ago, we began a new medication, one that doesn’t carry the […]

No glimmer in my eyes

by Tukayote Helianthus 2025-08-19 in Addiction, Mental Health, Recovery and Healing

This first picture was six years ago. That was a “smile”. I wasn’t stoned. I was flat. Emotionless. I was on at least six psychiatric medications including benzos, antipsychotics, and mood stabilizers. Most were at or near the highest dose. They dulled me, numbed me, and flattened me. No happiness. No joy. No glimmer in my eyes. This was some of the darkest times of my life. I struggled with suicidal ideation on a near daily basis. Despite being prescribed a handful of psych meds, my mood was far from stable, nearly anything would set me into a deep and ugly spiral. In the following 2.5 years, it would get much uglier. I would be hospitalized twice. I would experience hallucinations and deep psychosis. I would lose my wife. Then my daughters. Then my friends. My home. My clean criminal record. And one day wake up very alone and scared. […]

Living With a Dopamine-Deficient Brain: Why Addiction Made Too Much Sense to Me

by Tukayote Helianthus 2025-08-18 in Addiction, Mental Health, Recovery and Healing

Most people don’t wake up in the morning thinking about dopamine. I do. For me, dopamine isn’t just a buzzword thrown around in wellness blogs — it’s the invisible tide that shapes my moods, my focus, and my addictions. It’s the reason I can get locked into endless scrolling, chain-smoking in the past, or chasing one more drink. And it’s the reason recovery hasn’t just been about willpower — it’s been about rewiring my whole brain. What It Feels Like to Run Low on Dopamine Imagine starting every day with the volume knob on life turned down. Food tastes dull. Music doesn’t hit the same. Conversations feel muted. It’s not depression exactly — it’s more like existing in grayscale while everyone else seems to live in color. That’s what a chronically low dopamine baseline feels like. So when I found things that lit me up — alcohol, nicotine, kratom, marijuana […]

8 Miles: One Intentional Walk

by Tukayote Helianthus 2025-08-14 in Addiction, Homelessness, Mental Health, Recovery and Healing

8 miles. One intentional walk. A head full of gratitude. Tonight I set out with a clear purpose: to think about what’s right, what’s going well, and what I’m grateful for in this life I get to live. The list was long — really long — but right at the top? My people. My family. My kids. My partner. My friends. My followers. My supporters. You. Along the way, I crossed paths with many souls — some in person, some through phone calls. But the last person I met tonight was someone special: a relatively new friend and peer. A gentleman without a home, living on the streets of Bellingham. He’s older, his body worn down by disability and chronic pain. He’s navigating addiction, alcohol, and deep scars from a life that’s been relentlessly hard. You could see in his posture, in the way he moved, that tonight wasn’t easy […]

300 days ago, I broke up with my drug dealer.

by Tukayote Helianthus 2025-08-12 in Addiction, Mental Health, Recovery and Healing

300 days ago, I broke up with my drug dealer. It wasn’t some shady guy in an alley — it was a plant in a shiny package. Kratom. Mitragyna speciosa. Marketed as “natural,” “safe,” even “healing.” I bought the lie. At first, it lifted my mood. Took the edge off the pain. Gave me energy. Then, without realizing it, I was owned. My brain’s opioid receptors were chained to it. I wasn’t just using kratom — kratom was using me. The withdrawals were savage. Anxiety that felt like my skin was on fire. Sleepless nights. My body shaking. My mind screaming for just one more dose. It was no different from opioid withdrawal. And yet… Facebook and Instagram still show me kratom ads. The industry still calls it “safe.” Still wraps addiction in a wellness label. Still tells desperate people like me it’s harmless. It’s not harmless. It’s not “just […]