The thing that frustrates me to no end with bipolar disorder is never being able to trust good feelings. Because it might be mania. And it might even be mixed with depression. And it might even be cycling rapidly. Or it’s just a good feeling. A normal, everyday good feeling. The kind everyone enjoys. Without worries. I rarely feel big excitement because its interlaced with fear of mania. Mania of all forms, especially hypomania, or hypomania mixed with depression, presents big challenges in my life. Often in gift wrapped glitter bombs. The glitter finds its way into everything. The universe brought me this chart today. It is helping me recognize some hypomanic things that I have not been paying attention to. It’s helping me understand my recent behaviors, make adjustments to my path of travel, and to repair what needs repair. It also means that the good feelings weren’t real. […]
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28 days into a psychiatric medication change.
So far so good…if you only care about stability. No changes in my mood. Im generally happy, not feeling depressed. Normal anxiety. Same akathisia. Nothing bouncing around. Well…except my physical energy and dopamine. On a “good” day, I struggle with energy and dopamine. This new medication, at least with the upward titration side effects, is just trashing my physical energy and dopamine, unless I supplement it. I used to supplement with cigarettes and alcohol and kratom. Now I am down to caffeine and a nicotine vape. I hate them both. Throughout my recovery journey, I have weened myself off almost every dopamine souce, including energy drinks. And it just makes it even worse. Caffeine and nicotine are a lifeline while I wait out this medication titration. I am so physically tired, and mentally drained of dopamine. Energy drinks to the rescue. “I thought you were stable, why change meds?” Laced […]
Read More“Holy shit, your hair is thinning…”
That’s what she said. Not a stranger. Not a bully. Jessica. She lives in my head. If you’ve never had an unexpected roast session from your own reflection, try this: Stand in front of a mirror. Or take a selfie. Stare at it for just a beat longer than usual. Then listen. Who shows up? For me, it’s Jessica. She’s the voice in my head who thinks she’s helping by pointing out everything that might be “wrong.” She’s sharp. Sarcastic. Sounds like she’s in her early 20s and just finished a Communications degree with a minor in Passive Aggression. In IFS (Internal Family Systems), we’d call her a “part”, a protector. But I call her Jessica. It just… fits. For a long time, Jessica was exhausting. She commented on everything: My body. My choices. My relationships. My awkwardness. My posture. My grocery cart. She was relentless. So I did what […]
Read MoreThe next mental health mountain climb
Five days ago, I started a new journey. Not up this mountain, but inside my own mind. For years, I’ve lived with akathisia, a tormenting restlessness caused by the medication I take for bipolar disorder. Imagine fight-or-flight trapped in your body, running on repeat without an off switch. It’s so unbearable that, for many, it leads to suicide. For me, it led to alcohol, kratom, and cannabis. Right now, cannabis is the only thing that eases it, and I’m exhausted from needing it just to get through most days. The same medication has also been working against me in other ways—wrecking my metabolism, cholesterol, and diabetes management. No matter how hard I’ve fought with diet and lifestyle changes, it’s been an uphill climb with a boulder on my back. So I finally asked my doctor for help. Five days ago, we began a new medication, one that doesn’t carry the […]
Read MoreNo glimmer in my eyes
This first picture was six years ago. That was a “smile”. I wasn’t stoned. I was flat. Emotionless. I was on at least six psychiatric medications including benzos, antipsychotics, and mood stabilizers. Most were at or near the highest dose. They dulled me, numbed me, and flattened me. No happiness. No joy. No glimmer in my eyes. This was some of the darkest times of my life. I struggled with suicidal ideation on a near daily basis. Despite being prescribed a handful of psych meds, my mood was far from stable, nearly anything would set me into a deep and ugly spiral. In the following 2.5 years, it would get much uglier. I would be hospitalized twice. I would experience hallucinations and deep psychosis. I would lose my wife. Then my daughters. Then my friends. My home. My clean criminal record. And one day wake up very alone and scared. […]
Read MoreLiving With a Dopamine-Deficient Brain: Why Addiction Made Too Much Sense to Me
Most people don’t wake up in the morning thinking about dopamine. I do. For me, dopamine isn’t just a buzzword thrown around in wellness blogs — it’s the invisible tide that shapes my moods, my focus, and my addictions. It’s the reason I can get locked into endless scrolling, chain-smoking in the past, or chasing one more drink. And it’s the reason recovery hasn’t just been about willpower — it’s been about rewiring my whole brain. What It Feels Like to Run Low on Dopamine Imagine starting every day with the volume knob on life turned down. Food tastes dull. Music doesn’t hit the same. Conversations feel muted. It’s not depression exactly — it’s more like existing in grayscale while everyone else seems to live in color. That’s what a chronically low dopamine baseline feels like. So when I found things that lit me up — alcohol, nicotine, kratom, marijuana […]
Read More8 Miles: One Intentional Walk
8 miles. One intentional walk. A head full of gratitude. Tonight I set out with a clear purpose: to think about what’s right, what’s going well, and what I’m grateful for in this life I get to live. The list was long — really long — but right at the top? My people. My family. My kids. My partner. My friends. My followers. My supporters. You. Along the way, I crossed paths with many souls — some in person, some through phone calls. But the last person I met tonight was someone special: a relatively new friend and peer. A gentleman without a home, living on the streets of Bellingham. He’s older, his body worn down by disability and chronic pain. He’s navigating addiction, alcohol, and deep scars from a life that’s been relentlessly hard. You could see in his posture, in the way he moved, that tonight wasn’t easy […]
Read More300 days ago, I broke up with my drug dealer.
300 days ago, I broke up with my drug dealer. It wasn’t some shady guy in an alley — it was a plant in a shiny package. Kratom. Mitragyna speciosa. Marketed as “natural,” “safe,” even “healing.” I bought the lie. At first, it lifted my mood. Took the edge off the pain. Gave me energy. Then, without realizing it, I was owned. My brain’s opioid receptors were chained to it. I wasn’t just using kratom — kratom was using me. The withdrawals were savage. Anxiety that felt like my skin was on fire. Sleepless nights. My body shaking. My mind screaming for just one more dose. It was no different from opioid withdrawal. And yet… Facebook and Instagram still show me kratom ads. The industry still calls it “safe.” Still wraps addiction in a wellness label. Still tells desperate people like me it’s harmless. It’s not harmless. It’s not “just […]
Read MoreEver feel hijacked by your emotions?
Ever feel hijacked by your emotions? Like you know it’s not helpful, but you still do the thing anyway? Yeah. Me too. For me, it’s food—especially the kind that spikes my blood sugar. Tonight, after a rough day of unexpected neck pain, I gave in to a craving for tortilla chips. Just a handful… and then some. Now? My blood sugar’s going to be wrecked for a few days. This is what emotional urges do. They feel urgent. And sometimes, they win. But there’s a tool from Dialectical Behavior Therapy that I try to keep in my back pocket— Opposite Action. It’s simple. Not easy. But powerful. You do the opposite of what your emotion is telling you to do. Feel like isolating? Call someone. Anxious and want to avoid? Show up anyway. Craving junk food? Choose something that supports your health instead. Tonight, I didn’t use Opposite Action. And […]
Read MoreExit 41: A Journey Toward Emotional Sobriety
One month ago, I (in my normal dance party fashion) Irish-goodbyed the IT sector—and my colleagues—following a profound realization that had been building for years. It all came to a head during a late Thursday afternoon phone call. In the span of five bizarre minutes, my integrity, ethics, and values were questioned. I was being unfairly judged. Again. The moment I hung up, I felt physically ill. I’ve spent decades working across industries, and I’ve put up with a lot. But I’m 41 now—physically and emotionally exhausted just trying to maintain my health. Continuing to tolerate conditions that undermine that effort? That’s for the birds. What finally clicked that day was this: I’m on a quest for emotional sobriety. And staying in the IT sector—especially with my previous employer—was threatening to destroy the progress I’ve made. It no longer mattered that the job paid well, had great benefits, incredible customers, […]
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