Unbelievable the horrible shit we teach children. Then we get to unravel it all 20-30 years later as adults. For me, after raising children, repeating my parents parenting mistakes, and becoming estranged from my daughters for over a year and a half now. Tonight I learned about Internal Family Systems. Tip of the iceberg though. Really good stuff. **Apologies in advance,but I am going to be more active on social media about this, than I was about Crossfit for a few years.** Listened to a guy recall his mother telling him he was such a good boy for not crying and screaming (having perfectly normal toddler emotions and tantrums). He remembers that from age three. He had “perfect trauma free” upbringing by two well educated parents (professors). He called it the “Leave it to Beaver” family. “Nothing wrong at home.” I thought as I heard him tell the story that […]
Read MoreRecovery and Healing
Let people help you.
A sequence of events over the past few months put me in the hospital on Sunday night. Not because I quit taking meds. But the meds slowly stopped being as effective. Either way the outcome is the same if one ignores an increase in symptoms. A really big breakdown. I had felt signs since early October. I brushed them off. There was no way that I was having a bipolar relapse. Sometime Saturday afternoon, after a beautiful day on Mt. Baker with my closest people, I began isolating myself and turned away help from everyone. Over the next 24 hours I became increasingly intoxicated, paranoid and felt like my life needed to end. Bipolar had full control. The ship was heading nowhere good. I was being really destructive to my partners, friends and family. I was drunk. I desperately needed help. The cops couldn’t get me to open the door. […]
Read MoreBeen a tad bumpy. You aren’t alone.
The last few weeks have been some of the best times of my life. I became closer to an already close friend and have formed a new partnership. My existing partnership continues to get more amazing every day. My heart is so full. 🥰 I had some amazing mental health training. I met some great people on the streets. I walked a 17 mile day and reconnected with another close friend. Broke some personal fitness records. Been spending lots of really good quality time with my partners and friends. Eating better. Sleeping really well. Taking my meds. Feeling hopeful and excited about the future. Exploring new photography stuff. Launched a couple websites. IFS. Job is good. Relationships are solid. The last few weeks have also been a time of real struggle. I quit improv class. Last week on Monday and Tuesday nailed me to the ground. A shame tornado ripped […]
Read MoreGet Scared. Get vulnerable.
I often say “do something every day that scares you” and I mean it. Why? Because it teaches us the power of vulnerability. It takes courage to do things that scare us, to leave our comfort zone and be vulnerable. And when we are vulnerable, we learn new things and we make big changes. Brene Brown has may quotes on vulnerability and here are some of my favorites: “Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.” “Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.” “Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.” “The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it. It’s our fear of the dark that casts our joy into the shadows.” “If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t […]
Read MoreThe power and release, of control
“I want to heal my inner child and I can start taking small steps every day. I know of people who have done the work to heal trauma, so it can be possible for me too. I can learn and heal as I figure things out in this new journey. I release my need for perfection and replace it with love and compassion for myself.” – Tukayote, December 2022. Five months later, I am rewording it to “I am firmly on the path of healing my inner child and I continue taking small steps every day to become more secure in myself, and my attachment to others. I know many people doing this work to heal their trauma, and it inspires me to continue doing the same thing for myself. I am learning so much, and healing so many things in this journey. I continue to release my need for […]
Read MoreToday Is a Gift
I often tell people when they ask me what I am grateful for, that I am exceptionally grateful that I was able to open my eyes this morning and have a brand new day full of opportunities and potentials. A day that has not been “ruined” or “messed up”. A fresh blank canvas of time that I can choose to explore with optimism and positivity–or I can waste. But at the end of the day, I can’t go back and change it. It is history at that point. So keeping this post simple. Today is a great day to go after your dreams, do something that scares or challenges you, learn something new, make a fresh connection with someone, to love ourselves, to tell others what we love about them, and to find gratitude in having a heart that is still beating. I love you and hope you are having […]
Read MoreNever a dull moment with Chantix.
Trigger Warning: Suicidal ideation Yesterday, I was suddenly consumed with wanting to die. I got out my toolset of things to do to cope with the suicidal ideation (it isn’t a new thing, but it is not common anymore these days) and started using them. I tried writing a blog about self-love. I tried drawing. I cleaned my desk. I listened to music. I went for a walk. I tried watching TV. I tried CBD/CBG. I googled “suddenly suicidal” and stared at the first page full of crisis phone numbers to call. I thought about reaching out to a friend or loved one, but I was telling myself, “you aren’t going to do it even though you are feeling the thoughts. The thoughts will pass and nobody will be the wiser and you can talk to your doctor about it tomorrow.” So then I decided to go for a drive […]
Read MoreLove yourself. For realz.
How many times per day do you say “I love you” to yourself or practice some form of self-love? At one point in my life, the answer was simply, “ZERO.” I didn’t. I did the exact opposite and told myself all the ways in which I was unlovable, imperfect, flawed, broken, horrible, unworthy, and helpless. For almost my entire life up until the past few years when I realized that most of those negative and self-destructive thoughts were completely false. I, like you, am LOVABLE and LOVED, am NOT broken, am NOT horrible, am NOT unworthy, and am NOT helpless. If you noticed, I skipped the word “flawed” because (like you) I have my flaws but they do not make me a bad person or unlovable. My flaws and imperfections not only DO NOT define me, but infact they are perfectly normal. Because nobody is perfect, including you. Can you […]
Read MoreFuck Nicotine
Jesus. Monday will be three weeks without a cigarette. Four days without nicotine. It’s a wonder that I haven’t had a real breakdown. My app says that I got 24 hours of my life back already. And I have saved $200. Its adding up. And now I have some mental capacity to try to understand why I smoked. And it’s simple, it’s an escape from discomfort. Everytime I pick it up the habit again, it’s been after a conflict or abuse. Everytime I light back up after quitting, it’s because someone hurt me. I get hurt and I relapse. Now that’s something I can process and work with. Why do I go there (cigarettes) instead of to something else, hopefully healthier? That’s the question I am now asking myself, and it’s a deep dig. After twenty years of smoking, there are layers to dig through for these answers. After a […]
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