per·ma·nence /ˈpərm(ə)nən(t)s/ noun The state of lasting or remaining unchanged indefinitely. The Serenity Prayer, an important part of 12 step programs, says, “ God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference.” This past week, I hit a wall with my parts. They were polarized. One part wanted acceptance and the other part wanted to reject reality. Of what? For me, it isn’t accepting things I can change. I have mastered asking myself that question. It is the bigger question, have I accepted things I cannot change? Or am I believing a big myth that (insert thing here) will get better? Am I staring at a long downward trend, convincing myself it’ll turn around any day now? Metaphorically speaking, am I watching a very hungry cougar stalk me on the trail and believing that […]
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The thing that frustrates me to no end with bipolar disorder
The thing that frustrates me to no end with bipolar disorder is never being able to trust good feelings. Because it might be mania. And it might even be mixed with depression. And it might even be cycling rapidly. Or it’s just a good feeling. A normal, everyday good feeling. The kind everyone enjoys. Without worries. I rarely feel big excitement because its interlaced with fear of mania. Mania of all forms, especially hypomania, or hypomania mixed with depression, presents big challenges in my life. Often in gift wrapped glitter bombs. The glitter finds its way into everything. The universe brought me this chart today. It is helping me recognize some hypomanic things that I have not been paying attention to. It’s helping me understand my recent behaviors, make adjustments to my path of travel, and to repair what needs repair. It also means that the good feelings weren’t real. […]
Read More28 days into a psychiatric medication change.
So far so good…if you only care about stability. No changes in my mood. Im generally happy, not feeling depressed. Normal anxiety. Same akathisia. Nothing bouncing around. Well…except my physical energy and dopamine. On a “good” day, I struggle with energy and dopamine. This new medication, at least with the upward titration side effects, is just trashing my physical energy and dopamine, unless I supplement it. I used to supplement with cigarettes and alcohol and kratom. Now I am down to caffeine and a nicotine vape. I hate them both. Throughout my recovery journey, I have weened myself off almost every dopamine souce, including energy drinks. And it just makes it even worse. Caffeine and nicotine are a lifeline while I wait out this medication titration. I am so physically tired, and mentally drained of dopamine. Energy drinks to the rescue. “I thought you were stable, why change meds?” Laced […]
Read MoreAcceptance. And Uncertainty.
Psychological acceptance means embracing thoughts, emotions, and inner experiences without judgment and without trying to change them. In an Internal Family Systems session today, I got a heavy dose of reality. So much of what bothers me comes from my denial, my judgments, my black-and-white thinking, and my constant attempts to change things I don’t like. I have protector parts that guard me from facing these unwanted things. Instead of listening to them or building a relationship, I’ve been denying their existence or blaming them for my struggles. On Monday, I finally accepted something hard: healing my childhood trauma is my responsibility. My anger toward my parents wasn’t helping me heal, it was keeping me stuck. I chose to accept their role in raising me, to stop judging them, and to stop trying to change the past. I can’t rewrite history. I can only accept it, focus on the present, […]
Read MoreTonight I’m grateful for my Vitamix.
A week ago I started a new medication. The first couple of days felt off, strange in my body, though my mind stayed steady. Then I went up to higher elevation, and the heaviness got worse. At the time, I blamed the thinner air. But it wasn’t just the altitude. It was a deep physical fatigue, a weight that made even simple things—cooking, showering, brushing my teeth, take more out of me than they should. Today I learned this is actually a known part of the process. These startup side effects are common, and they return with each increase. I’ve got three more dose increases ahead before I even reach the minimum therapeutic level. Somehow I missed that detail in all my research, and I’ll be honest that realization hit hard. So tonight, when hunger came, cooking wasn’t an option. Even going out felt impossible. I leaned on what I […]
Read MoreThe next mental health mountain climb
Five days ago, I started a new journey. Not up this mountain, but inside my own mind. For years, I’ve lived with akathisia, a tormenting restlessness caused by the medication I take for bipolar disorder. Imagine fight-or-flight trapped in your body, running on repeat without an off switch. It’s so unbearable that, for many, it leads to suicide. For me, it led to alcohol, kratom, and cannabis. Right now, cannabis is the only thing that eases it, and I’m exhausted from needing it just to get through most days. The same medication has also been working against me in other ways—wrecking my metabolism, cholesterol, and diabetes management. No matter how hard I’ve fought with diet and lifestyle changes, it’s been an uphill climb with a boulder on my back. So I finally asked my doctor for help. Five days ago, we began a new medication, one that doesn’t carry the […]
Read MoreNo glimmer in my eyes
This first picture was six years ago. That was a “smile”. I wasn’t stoned. I was flat. Emotionless. I was on at least six psychiatric medications including benzos, antipsychotics, and mood stabilizers. Most were at or near the highest dose. They dulled me, numbed me, and flattened me. No happiness. No joy. No glimmer in my eyes. This was some of the darkest times of my life. I struggled with suicidal ideation on a near daily basis. Despite being prescribed a handful of psych meds, my mood was far from stable, nearly anything would set me into a deep and ugly spiral. In the following 2.5 years, it would get much uglier. I would be hospitalized twice. I would experience hallucinations and deep psychosis. I would lose my wife. Then my daughters. Then my friends. My home. My clean criminal record. And one day wake up very alone and scared. […]
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