Post Tagged with: "healing"

No glimmer in my eyes

This first picture was six years ago. That was a “smile”. I wasn’t stoned. I was flat. Emotionless. I was on at least six psychiatric medications including benzos, antipsychotics, and mood stabilizers. Most were at or near the highest dose. They dulled me, numbed me, and flattened me. No happiness. No joy. No glimmer in my eyes. This was some of the darkest times of my life. I struggled with suicidal ideation on a near daily basis. Despite being prescribed a handful of psych meds, my mood was far from stable, nearly anything would set me into a deep and ugly spiral. In the following 2.5 years, it would get much uglier. I would be hospitalized twice. I would experience hallucinations and deep psychosis. I would lose my wife. Then my daughters. Then my friends. My home. My clean criminal record. And one day wake up very alone and scared. […]

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Living With a Dopamine-Deficient Brain: Why Addiction Made Too Much Sense to Me

Most people don’t wake up in the morning thinking about dopamine. I do. For me, dopamine isn’t just a buzzword thrown around in wellness blogs — it’s the invisible tide that shapes my moods, my focus, and my addictions. It’s the reason I can get locked into endless scrolling, chain-smoking in the past, or chasing one more drink. And it’s the reason recovery hasn’t just been about willpower — it’s been about rewiring my whole brain. What It Feels Like to Run Low on Dopamine Imagine starting every day with the volume knob on life turned down. Food tastes dull. Music doesn’t hit the same. Conversations feel muted. It’s not depression exactly — it’s more like existing in grayscale while everyone else seems to live in color. That’s what a chronically low dopamine baseline feels like. So when I found things that lit me up — alcohol, nicotine, kratom, marijuana […]

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8 Miles: One Intentional Walk

8 miles. One intentional walk. A head full of gratitude. Tonight I set out with a clear purpose: to think about what’s right, what’s going well, and what I’m grateful for in this life I get to live. The list was long — really long — but right at the top? My people. My family. My kids. My partner. My friends. My followers. My supporters. You. Along the way, I crossed paths with many souls — some in person, some through phone calls. But the last person I met tonight was someone special: a relatively new friend and peer. A gentleman without a home, living on the streets of Bellingham. He’s older, his body worn down by disability and chronic pain. He’s navigating addiction, alcohol, and deep scars from a life that’s been relentlessly hard. You could see in his posture, in the way he moved, that tonight wasn’t easy […]

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300 days ago, I broke up with my drug dealer.

300 days ago, I broke up with my drug dealer. It wasn’t some shady guy in an alley — it was a plant in a shiny package. Kratom. Mitragyna speciosa. Marketed as “natural,” “safe,” even “healing.” I bought the lie. At first, it lifted my mood. Took the edge off the pain. Gave me energy. Then, without realizing it, I was owned. My brain’s opioid receptors were chained to it. I wasn’t just using kratom — kratom was using me. The withdrawals were savage. Anxiety that felt like my skin was on fire. Sleepless nights. My body shaking. My mind screaming for just one more dose. It was no different from opioid withdrawal. And yet… Facebook and Instagram still show me kratom ads. The industry still calls it “safe.” Still wraps addiction in a wellness label. Still tells desperate people like me it’s harmless. It’s not harmless. It’s not “just […]

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Ever feel hijacked by your emotions?

Ever feel hijacked by your emotions? Like you know it’s not helpful, but you still do the thing anyway? Yeah. Me too. For me, it’s food—especially the kind that spikes my blood sugar. Tonight, after a rough day of unexpected neck pain, I gave in to a craving for tortilla chips. Just a handful… and then some. Now? My blood sugar’s going to be wrecked for a few days. This is what emotional urges do. They feel urgent. And sometimes, they win. But there’s a tool from Dialectical Behavior Therapy that I try to keep in my back pocket— Opposite Action. It’s simple. Not easy. But powerful. You do the opposite of what your emotion is telling you to do. Feel like isolating? Call someone. Anxious and want to avoid? Show up anyway. Craving junk food? Choose something that supports your health instead. Tonight, I didn’t use Opposite Action. And […]

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Exit 41: A Journey Toward Emotional Sobriety

One month ago, I (in my normal dance party fashion) Irish-goodbyed the IT sector—and my colleagues—following a profound realization that had been building for years. It all came to a head during a late Thursday afternoon phone call. In the span of five bizarre minutes, my integrity, ethics, and values were questioned. I was being unfairly judged. Again. The moment I hung up, I felt physically ill. I’ve spent decades working across industries, and I’ve put up with a lot. But I’m 41 now—physically and emotionally exhausted just trying to maintain my health. Continuing to tolerate conditions that undermine that effort? That’s for the birds. What finally clicked that day was this: I’m on a quest for emotional sobriety. And staying in the IT sector—especially with my previous employer—was threatening to destroy the progress I’ve made. It no longer mattered that the job paid well, had great benefits, incredible customers, […]

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Moral injury

Edit: While this post was focused on veterans like myself, moral injury can occur in many professions including first response, medical care, and in other situations. – When a veteran returns from war, the focus—if there is any—is usually on Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). The trauma from the battlefield is the most visible, the easiest to name. But the deeper damage is often invisible. Underground. It’s the moral injury—a wound many veterans, including myself, carry silently because of what we were asked to do in uniform. Moral injury comes from following orders that violate your core beliefs, values, or ethics. Sometimes there was no real choice—except the threat of court-martial or worse. I will always feel partially responsible for the harm and loss caused by the operations I was part of—especially the pain endured by fellow veterans and the innocent lives caught in the crossfire. PTSD wounded my mind. Moral […]

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YOLO

Pre-ink (stencil) vs 3 years later. The tattoo that nearly hospitalized and could’ve killed me. “YOLO” Well, at the time I was two weeks and roughly 3000 miles away from home on a 15kmi road trip and landed up in New Orleans, in a hotel a block away from Bourbon Street. I heard Bourbon Street was insane. And found it to be true. Within minutes of stepping onto that street, I had secured cigarettes, weed, and alcohol. And once I had a drink in my hand, was offered nearly every drug you could think of before I reached the end of the street. I just wanted to unwind with a joint and a “hand grenade” cocktail…these folks were doing hardcore shit. It was quickly overwhelming and I was dead tired from driving from Austin, TX so I called it a night. The next morning I got up, found beighnets and […]

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The past three weeks have been a real fucking challenge.

The past three weeks have been a real fucking challenge. It takes me a lot of courage to admit that I am struggling. I have been battling a few things for a long time. Feeling tired all the time AND feeling physical anxiety/restlessness. I love walking and hiking and just can’t seem to find the energy to do it. I have been telling my psychiatrist about the physical anxiety feeling in my body and she put two and two together and told me I have all of the symptoms of akathisia. Akathisia is a well known side effect of the antipsychotic medicine (Vraylar) I take for bipolar disorder. Well known to the experts, but not to me. I did my research and it’s definitely something that I have been enduring for years. Akathisia can lead to death by suicide because it is so uncomfortable and unpleasant. My doctor prescribed me […]

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