So far so good…if you only care about stability. No changes in my mood. Im generally happy, not feeling depressed. Normal anxiety. Same akathisia. Nothing bouncing around. Well…except my physical energy and dopamine. On a “good” day, I struggle with energy and dopamine. This new medication, at least with the upward titration side effects, is just trashing my physical energy and dopamine, unless I supplement it. I used to supplement with cigarettes and alcohol and kratom. Now I am down to caffeine and a nicotine vape. I hate them both. Throughout my recovery journey, I have weened myself off almost every dopamine souce, including energy drinks. And it just makes it even worse. Caffeine and nicotine are a lifeline while I wait out this medication titration. I am so physically tired, and mentally drained of dopamine. Energy drinks to the rescue. “I thought you were stable, why change meds?” Laced […]
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Tonight I’m grateful for my Vitamix.
A week ago I started a new medication. The first couple of days felt off, strange in my body, though my mind stayed steady. Then I went up to higher elevation, and the heaviness got worse. At the time, I blamed the thinner air. But it wasn’t just the altitude. It was a deep physical fatigue, a weight that made even simple things—cooking, showering, brushing my teeth, take more out of me than they should. Today I learned this is actually a known part of the process. These startup side effects are common, and they return with each increase. I’ve got three more dose increases ahead before I even reach the minimum therapeutic level. Somehow I missed that detail in all my research, and I’ll be honest that realization hit hard. So tonight, when hunger came, cooking wasn’t an option. Even going out felt impossible. I leaned on what I […]
Read MoreThe next mental health mountain climb
Five days ago, I started a new journey. Not up this mountain, but inside my own mind. For years, I’ve lived with akathisia, a tormenting restlessness caused by the medication I take for bipolar disorder. Imagine fight-or-flight trapped in your body, running on repeat without an off switch. It’s so unbearable that, for many, it leads to suicide. For me, it led to alcohol, kratom, and cannabis. Right now, cannabis is the only thing that eases it, and I’m exhausted from needing it just to get through most days. The same medication has also been working against me in other ways—wrecking my metabolism, cholesterol, and diabetes management. No matter how hard I’ve fought with diet and lifestyle changes, it’s been an uphill climb with a boulder on my back. So I finally asked my doctor for help. Five days ago, we began a new medication, one that doesn’t carry the […]
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