I have introduced this part a few times. A fierce protector. In Internal Family Systems lingo, a firefighter. Roxy will stop at no cost when it comes to protecting me from fear (aka chronic anxiety). Her weapon of choice? Dopamine. Usually of the habitual or addictive behavior. She is constantly finding ways to stimulate my dopamine levels.
Dopamine, I could write a chapter on. It’s a feel good neurotransmitter. Some of us have imbalances with it. So we crave it. Intensely.
Things that people do to stimulate dopamine, like drugs, nicotine, alcohol, kratom, caffeine, etc… can be quite addictive. In comes Roxy.
So as I cut alcohol and cigarettes last year, I rapidly developed type 2 diabetes. And gained over twenty pounds. In about 9 months.
What does this have to do with Roxy? Well, when she offers alcohol and I say no…and when I say no to other things…she hands me food.
Today I discovered and deeply explored a lifelong addiction I didn’t even realize that I had. Roxy still wants to fight fear using dopamine. But her last option is quickly and exclusively becoming food.
I’m an emotional eater. Sad, happy, loved, lonely, whatever the occasion…I top it off with food. And it’s almost always carb heavy and/or sugar laden. Ben and Jerry’s, here I come!
Today, I had a spoonfull of sugar in my coffee this morning. No other carbs or sugars today. It drastically raised my blood sugar and remained high for most of the day. I may not be able to reverse course with the diabetes.
So my goal for the year on top of finding my mental health baseline (with complete sobriety) has been expanded to also redefine my relationship with Roxy. Because if I simply focus on food/sobriety, she will find something else to stimulate dopamine. Like politics or whatever. And fuck that.
At the end of the day Roxy is never going to let me near fear if she doesn’t trust me and that I can handle it. And right now she is my dopamine dealer. We have no trust other than that she can always deliver.
It’s time to understand the “why” behind the dopamine seeking. Where it comes from? And just how much power I give it.
Taking back your own power and recovering is the hardest thing I have ever embarked on.
This journey has been made easier for me by my community of loved ones. All of you. ❤️
With Gratitude,
Tukayote