For years I have masked a heavy dependence on dopamine stimulating activities. Call it what you want…alcohol use disorder, kratom use disorder, substance use disorder, tobacco use disorder, addiction, dependence, etc…
All of these are listed in my medical records.
One by one, I have been working on redefining my relationships with these things and finding ways to live without them. Its been a real fucking struggle. 653 days without alcohol. 650 days without a cigarette. 379 days without kratom. 8 days without energy drinks. 4 days without marijuana. 2 days without nicotine. And about 10 minutes without caffeine.
Im doing the internal work and becoming more and more emotionally sober. I have made peace with the parts of my internal family systems that drive me to use. I am doing everything I can and I still can’t seem to go five minutes without dopamine seeking.
I have suspected for a while that my dopamine baseline might be different than “normal” meaning I have to continually chase dopamine just to feel “normal”. As recently as August, I wrote an entire blog about this (https://tukayote.com/2025/08/18/living-with-a-dopamine-deficient-brain-why-addiction-made-too-much-sense-to-me/).
“Most people don’t wake up in the morning thinking about dopamine. I do.”
I decided in late 2024 that I was going to relentlessly pursue the discovery of my mental health baseline. Meaning that I had to get clean. I had to get off every thing that I had been using to plug my dopamine receptors. I had to know what life was like without being numbed and under the influence.
Sounds easy. But it has been nothing but challenges, roadblocks, detours, and failure to find my baseline. Shit, its almost November, 2025. I try hard, and wake up every day obsessed with finding my next dopamine fix.
Last year I had some genetic testing done to better understand how my body metabolizes and responds to medications. It was pretty insightful, I learned that many psychotropic medications don’t metabolize in my body correctly, leading to increased concentration in my body, even on low doses.
This has lead me to suffer with a dopamine-related and horrendous neurological condition called akathisia. I won’t go into much detail, but its the equivalent of tinnitus in your nervous system. And there is no real treatment for it other than discontinuing antipsychotic medication, or smoking a lot of marijuana. I require antipsychotic medication to control the bipolar disorder symptoms. So marijuana it was and has been for nearly a decade.
Back to the genetic tests. Two weeks ago, on a whim, I deep analyzed 76 pages of the genetic testing results using AI and had a startling discovery. I have the DRD2 Taq1a (Dopamine Receptor D2) genetic variant.
I have been researching it since and learned that it means I have 30-40% fewer dopamine receptors in my nervous system than a genetically normal person. Study after study links this genetic variant to bipolar disorder, ADHD, and substance/alcohol use disorders. Its hereditary and explains alot of my family history.
Everything I had suspected about having an abnormal dopamine baseline was confirmed with scientific fact. Using dopamine inducing substances further complicates the situation, leading to dopamine imbalances…leading to even worse akathisia.
This means, for me, that alcohol, nicotine, shrooms, weed, kratom, and other substances are not only bad for my mental health, but they are literally poison for my nervous system. My dopamine receptors are fried from years of me trying to just feel normal.
Finding my mental health baseline is no longer a thing I am doing out of curiosity, but now it’s for survival.
The odd thing about all of this, is that the struggle to get clean suddenly became much easier. Instead of battling an invisible monster, I know exactly what I am up against. It’s no longer speculation, it’s scientific fact.
This genetic revelation has armed me to the teeth against all of the tempting dopamine sources and has put me back on the path of emotional and substance use recovery. It has given me strength to face the challenges I was born with and to no longer feel powerless against a hidden force. It’s out in the open now.
So here I am, finally seeing the full picture. For years I’ve been fighting shadows, trying to “fix” myself through willpower, discipline, or distraction. Now I know what I’m actually fighting: a body and brain wired for less dopamine, trying desperately to feel balanced in a world built on overstimulation.
I don’t hate that truth. It’s grounding. It explains the pull I’ve always felt, to substances, to chaos, to intensity, and it helps me see that none of it was moral failure. It was biology. It was survival.
These days, “recovery” isn’t about getting back to who I was before the addictions. It’s about creating a new normal that fits my wiring, one that honors the quieter dopamine hits: a calm morning, a full night of sleep, genuine connection, small acts of service, sunlight, gratitude.
I’m still chasing dopamine. The difference is that now, I’m chasing it with awareness. And maybe that’s what healing really is, not fixing what’s broken, but learning how to live honestly with what’s true.