Rain, aka Phutureprimitive, and me at the Shakedown in 2019
Tonight I danced a new piece to Devastatious by Phutureprimitive, and it felt less like choreography and more like a confession my body has been waiting to make.
This song doesn’t soothe. It demands.
There’s something I need to see and I don’t wanna.
There’s something I need to understand.
It’s the sound of being pulled by the hand into the places you keep locked, not because you’re weak, but because you know how much it might cost to look. The song understands that truth doesn’t arrive gently. Sometimes it has to dominate you. Sometimes it has to devastate you.
On my left leg, I carry an anatomical heart. Etched into it are the words Devastate Me.
That phrase isn’t a wound. It’s a challenge.
I have a massive heart. I give it recklessly. I give it to people, ideas, moments, futures that may never happen. And yes, sometimes it gets broken because I gave it to the wrong thing.
And still, I give it again.
Devastate me is a dare aimed inward.
Go ahead, heart. Dominate me. Devastate me.
I refuse to close you just to avoid pain.
I will love deeply and openly until the day I die.
I will not armor up.
I will not ration tenderness.
No regrets.
The song circles this same truth. It’s about being dragged into your own shadow, the parts you’d rather keep unnamed. The kind of understanding that can’t be reasoned through or therapized into submission. The kind that overwhelms you, dismantles you, strips you bare, and somehow leaves you stronger for surviving it. The devastation isn’t the end. It’s the initiation.
And the remix sounds like that moment.
The bass doesn’t just hit, it hunts. Thick, molten, feral. It crawls under your skin while the vocals hover above it, exposed and aching. Beauty wrapped in distortion. Violence wrapped in vulnerability. It’s crushing and intimate at the same time. There’s no neat resolution, no emotional bow tied at the end. The track doesn’t try to save you.
It just shows you yourself.
When I danced tonight, I wasn’t performing.
I was consenting to the truth, to the ache, to the cost of being alive with an open heart.
If loving fully devastates me:
Good.
I’ll do it again. And again.
Until my heart stops beating.