Tukayote Helianthus: Unkillable
RECOVERY, EMOTION, DANCE, PHOTOS, AND TUNES.
NO ANESTHESIA. NO BULLSHIT. ALL LOVE.
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Today, I hit a trailhead I couldn’t ignore: my fear of uncertainty. In IFS, it showed up as a very young part—quiet, tense, always bracing—using denial as protection. I’ve spent years fighting diagnoses, circumstances, and history, thinking resistance was strength. It isn’t. Acceptance doesn’t mean approval or giving up; it means stopping the exhausting war with reality. Healing my childhood trauma is my responsibility now. I can’t rewrite the past, but I can learn to live with uncertainty, meet it with compassion, and move forward—one deliberate step at a time.
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Jessica isn’t a bully. She’s a protector with a sharp tongue and outdated intel. For years, she roasted me in the mirror, commented on everything, and called it “help.” Ignoring her only made her louder. What changed wasn’t silencing the voice—it was listening to it. Jessica was frozen in time, using criticism as armor. Once I showed her I was grown, safe, and capable, the tone shifted. Less attack. More collaboration. Turns out the inner critic isn’t the enemy. It’s a scared part that never got the memo that we survived.
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Five days ago, I began a different kind of climb — not up a mountain, but through a medication change that could finally free me from akathisia. Years of medication-induced restlessness pushed my nervous system to the edge and drove me toward substances just to survive daily life. Now, with careful medical support, I’m starting a slower, steadier transition toward relief. It’s early, and I’m cautious, but so far the ground feels solid. This weekend alone at a lookout has given me the quiet space to listen to my body, trust the process, and hope for a future with fewer…
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