I’m Tukayote, An Unkillable Love
Recovery Through Love. No Anesthesia. No Bullshit. 🥰
-
A 12.8-mile photo walk through Bellingham became more than a color study in orange, it became a marker of recovery. Long-distance walking helps regulate my nervous system and acts as somatic exposure therapy, keeping me engaged with the world instead of retreating from it. Thirty days ago I threw away my cannabis, and I’m about to cross the longest stretch I’ve been sober off everything in 24 years. One camera, one focal length, and forward motion. This wasn’t about chasing images. It was about clarity, presence, and recovery in real time.
-
This is not a villain story. It is an accountability story. I’m not sharing details to justify myself or narrate someone else’s experience. I’m sharing impact, ownership, and the parts that belong to me. Without that, nothing that came after makes sense. Who I loved was real. What we built was real. And so was the damage I caused when fear, anxious attachment, and long-standing patterns took the wheel. I ended something meaningful in a way that created chaos, destabilization, and harm I cannot undo. When the furniture was gone and the apartment was empty, what remained was clarity. Not…
-
January 2026, was a very transformative and interesting month. I walked 216 miles. Traveled two states. And took a “few” selfies.
-
Today wasn’t about fixing anything — it was about feeling everything. I went offline and spent five hours in a grief lodge, moving anger, loss, and decades of trapped emotion through my body. What started as calm chanting turned into a powerful, collective release that cracked me wide open. I screamed, cried, and finally let my anger move for the first time in years. This wasn’t catharsis for show or insight for ego — it was grief, raw and embodied. I’m exhausted, sober, and deeply changed. Grief doesn’t just belong to death. It belongs to everything we lose. And I’m…
-
Grief doesn’t disappear when you ignore it, it waits. Inspired by the way buffalo run straight into storms to get through them faster, this is a story about choosing to feel instead of numbing, crying instead of avoiding, and facing loss head-on. From a small, unexpected purchase to years of buried grief finally released, this is what it looks like to stop running away and start moving through.
-
A quiet moment on the beach turns into a reckoning with grief, not just for people lost, but for the version of myself that disappeared with sobriety. This is about mourning an old identity, honoring what it gave me, and choosing a truer life without pretending the grief ever fully ends.
-
This is a snapshot of gratitude and awareness: 42 things I’m thankful for, unchanged over time, plus two additions that reflect where I am now. Standing at the edge of the water and examining fear itself, I explore how anxiety works, why fear isn’t always a threat, and how learning to observe it has brought more peace, curiosity, and presence into my life.
Trending Posts
Trending Tags
40mm accountability alcohol sobriety anxiety attachment wounds autonomy avoidance bass music bellingham washington bipolar disorder black and white photography boundaries breakups cannabis sobriety childhood trauma courage CPTSD dance dopamine deficiency downtown bellingham ego death electronic music emotional sobriety estrangement family fear fear of abandonment fear of loss of love fear of rejection Fixed Zoom freedom friendship full color photography gratitude grief guilt happiness healing heartbreak identity death identity transformation integrity internal family systems kratom sobriety little squalicum pier lived experience long distance walking loss love major life changes manifesto mental health mindfulness mindful photography monochrome music nervous system regulation no contact ocean therapy ownership parental wounding parts work patterns performing personal growth photography psychiatric hospitalization psych meds psychosis radical acceptance recovery relapse relationship damage relationships remorse rescuing resilience Ricoh GRIIIX self-advocacy self-compassion self-discovery self-love selfies shadow work shame slow photography sobriety sovereignty starting over street photography Sunset transformation trauma trauma responses truth unconditional acceptance unconditional love unkillable urban photography vulnerability
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email